Recently, it occurred to me that there's a lot of advice out there on how to give praise and positive feedback to a hard worker, but very little advice on how to receive these morale-boosting messages.

Accepting praise can make many people feel shy and uncomfortable – often because, even when we feel proud of our achievements, we don't want to appear egotistical.

Rather than accepting praise with polite grace, we'll often sheepishly reject the compliment, or even deny it entirely, changing the conversation as quickly as possible. After all, no one likes a bragger.

Responding With Denial and Deflection

This is exactly how I felt at my dad’s 50^th birthday party, just a few days after I had received my university results.

My parents were so proud of me that, on arrival, every single guest already knew my grades. As the party went on, dozens of people I didn’t know greeted me with warm, heartfelt congratulations. It was as if they were there to celebrate me!

I was baffled and a little overwhelmed by so much unexpected praise – especially from strangers!

Concerned about stealing my dad’s spotlight, and also starting to wilt under the sustained praise, I tried to deflect the kind compliments and blend into the background. I joked that the examiner must have been in a very generous mood when she marked my paper, and that I was just "lucky."

To say anything else would be narcissistic, I thought. My impressive grades had absolutely nothing to do with my three years’ hard work and dedication, I assured everyone. Pure coincidence.

There seems to be an unwritten rule (particularly in British culture) that the moment you accept praise is the moment you stop deserving it. It’s better to appear overly modest than overly self-confident… right?

Why Do We Reject Praise?

Praise can tap into many of our insecurities and worries.

Few of us wish to appear vain and immodest. We may worry that our accolade will provoke envy in others. Or, we might feel that the achievement has been exaggerated or overblown – OK, I did well, but it wasn’t that special or important!

In the workplace, there’s the fear that with praise might come extra work and higher expectations. Now that your boss has seen how competent you are, they’re going to pile on the pressure!

Praise might also reinforce the sense of being an impostor. Many people feel like they’re a fraud and live in fear that one day they'll be "found out."

Balancing Pride and Vanity

But, whatever our reasons, deflecting praise can also be perceived as arrogant, and even make our modesty seem little more than a pretense.

Imagine that your co-worker just completed an ultra-triathlon. Their family, friends and colleagues applaud them, but they just shrug it off like it was a walk in the park. Does this attitude seem to undermine the efforts and strain of the other participants, or imply that your co-worker believes that they possess the stamina of a comic-book superhero?

Finding the right balance between pride and vanity is the key to accepting praise gracefully. We needn’t fear what comes after praise: quite often, praise is simply its own reward, and respect is the only thing that follows.

Typically, it’s not the flattery itself that makes us feel bashful, but our own overthinking. If we dare to permit ourselves to enjoy a compliment, we may find it’s not so challenging after all!

Creating a Praise Culture

A major contributor to our inhibitions around accepting praise is the culture of "constructive criticism."

In every one-on-one meeting or annual appraisal, we’ve all come to expect the dreaded "but" after hearing what we’ve done well. We’re more accustomed to hearing what we need to improve, rather than unqualified praise.

How comfortable we feel when receiving recognition is also dependent on how it’s given – an announcement in front of 40-something co-workers (or party guests!) is enough to make any introvert shiver!

I’ve experienced the difficulties of celebrating achievement in many of my jobs. Having an "Employee of the Month," for example, can help to normalize praise in the workplace and generate motivation, but I’ve also seen how it can spark envy and competition.

A more relaxed approach to praise is having a "kudos" channel on a messaging platform. This allows everyone to share their gratitude toward other members with a little more intimacy and discretion.

But, ultimately, methods like these lack the impact of face-to-face praise. So, how can we accept praise in the right way?

Responding With Grace

Looking back, the affection I received at the party was humbling – people I hardly knew were showering me in admiration because they were genuinely impressed and pleased for me.

My degree hadn’t helped them in any way so there was no obligation to comment, but they still cared enough to say "well done." It was the sincerity that really touched me and made me feel like I had accomplished something spectacular.

Instead of dismissing the praise, I should have commented on how kind they were for noticing, or how pleased I was with my achievement.

Another good option is to "forward" praise – perhaps other people played a part in your success and deserve to share the attention. If you’re still lost for words, a simple "thank you" is the best way to go.

Own Your Strengths

There is absolutely no shame in accepting praise. Genuine messages of admiration are only voiced to those who have earned them.

Someone saying, "You did really well," or, "We couldn’t have done it without you," has the power to boost your self-esteem and make you feel an inch taller.

Not only do the words carry a message of gratitude and recognition, but the thought behind them shows that your efforts are appreciated and not going unnoticed.

So, the next time you get the recognition you deserve, don't hide your pride – own your strengths and try to enjoy the moment. You deserve it!

If you liked this blog, you may be interested in the following resources:

How Do You Take Pride at Work?
Getting Feedback
Celebrating Achievement
Self-Sabotage
How Self-Confident Are You?
Boost Your Self-Esteem Video

About the Author:

Alice Gledhill commissions, plans and writes many of our blogs. An Assistant Content Editor, she also makes videos and infographics, as well as handling the many requests we get to reuse our content. A restless learner, Alice is currently doing a master’s degree in media, ethics and social change. Away from work, she’s happiest when she’s spending time with friends, roller-skating, or playing Lady Gaga at top volume.

The post Accepting Praise – How to Own Your Achievements appeared first on Mind Tools.

This connection was recognized by the entrepreneur and communications expert Morra Aarons-Mele and she explores it in her hit podcast, The Anxious Achiever. 

Anxiety’s Upside 

She has now written a book of that name, subtitled “Turn Your Biggest Fears Into Your Leadership Superpower.” When I spoke to Aarons-Mele for our latest Mind Tools Expert Interview, she explained how anxiety can be a double-edged sword. 

Here's an excerpt. (You can stream the audio clip below or read a transcript here.)

For the anxious among us, it’s nice to know there can be an upside to the uncomfortable symptoms we often feel: racing heart, churning stomach, aching brain.  

The trick is to “look our anxiety in the face and work with it,” Aarons-Mele says. Then we can harness the powerful drivers of those symptoms to produce our best work and reduce our discomfort. 

Freeing Yourself From Thought Traps

In her book, she shines a light on what causes anxiety in conscientious people, including negative self-talk, all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, and overthinking. In each case, she offers tips for escaping those thought traps. 

For example, if you can recognize that you’re catastrophizing, you can actively try to interrupt those thoughts with more rational ones.  

“I can literally try to replace the instantaneous thought of, ‘It’s all your fault. You suck. You’re getting fired,’ with, ‘Okay, maybe this wasn’t your best month. Let’s look at the data. Let’s try to just bring some more neutral information in. Let’s try to breathe. Even if you did get fired, let’s play out the worst-case scenario and see what would happen’,” she says. “That kind of interruption for me – and it’s evidence based – is really powerful.” 

Perfectionism Is Anxiety 

As a recovering perfectionist myself, I was interested that Aarons-Mele devotes a whole chapter to perfectionism. 

When I asked her why, she said that perfectionism is a common problem for anxious achievers, and it’s often misunderstood.  

“Perfectionism, I learned in my study, is not always being amazing and giving everything you’ve got and creating the most incredible product ever made. Perfectionism’s anxiety: it’s a sense that, ‘If I am not perfect, I’m not worth it’,” she told me. 

The Terrifying Typo 

On the face of it, the job of a writer and editor aligns positively with perfectionism. Being exceptionally careful about facts, grammar usage and spelling is the sweet spot of editorial work. In fact, the more perfectionist an editor is, the better – or so it always seemed to me. 

When I was editor-in-chief of a small weekly newspaper, I wore my perfectionism like a badge of honor. I invented processes for myself that demanded a lot of time and high levels of concentration. If I was editing an article, I’d never read it fewer than three times, proudly announcing to whoever would listen that I’d found something new to correct every time.  

But this extreme attention to detail wasn’t always helpful. I remember finding a typo in the small print of an advertising supplement freshly delivered from the printer. I was horrified. I picked up a pair of scissors and scratched at the misplaced letter until it was obliterated in a scruff of newsprint. Sleepless nights followed, punctuated by harebrained “solutions” like pulping the lot and reprinting a new, perfect batch of magazines.  

Remembering this incident now, I still feel mortified about the error, even though my rational mind reminds me that, as far as I know, no one noticed it. If they did, it had no consequences, which is more or less the same as no one noticing. 

Having heard Aarons-Mele’s take on this particular thought trap, I can see that my response to the typo was multifaceted. It was about producing the best product I could, but it was also about proving my own worth, to myself and other people. My motivation got tangled up, so that when I saw that tiny mistake in print, it registered with me as a total personal fail.  

Let’s Be Excellent 

Perfectionists need to stand back and give themselves an easier time of it, Aarons-Mele believes. We control the urge to be perfect, not the other way around. 

“If we can moderate [perfectionism] and get it out of our way, as one of my favorite interviews in the book – Dr Thomas Greenspan – says, ‘We’ll still be excellent, just without all the attending anxiety’,” she reflects.  

But anxious achievers, don’t worry! This isn’t about lowering our standards. It’s about accepting that life happens and mistakes can slip through. And that “excellent” is – truly – as worthy an outcome as “perfect.” 

Listen to the Full Story

You can listen to or read my full 30-minute interview with Morra Aarons-Mele if you're a Mind Tools member or if your employer is a Mind Tools for Business licensee.

If you're not already a member, join Mind Tools now to gain unlimited access to 2,400+ resources, including our back catalog of 200+ Expert Interviews. Or find out more about Mind Tools for whole organizations, big or small, by contacting our enterprise team.

Meanwhile, catch more excerpts and insights from my guests by searching our Expert Interview blog topic and by signing up free to the Mind Tools Expert Voices podcast.

The post Aim for Excellent, Not Perfect: My Expert Interview With Morra Aarons-Mele  appeared first on Mind Tools.

Then it's time to reflect on your efforts, enjoy the rewards and be happy. But it's not always so straightforward.

At this time of year, we're constantly reminded how important and powerful big goals are. We're told that success is just a SMART Goal or Stretch Goal away.

Indeed, it is our hopes, dreams and aspirations that keep us going. They give us something to focus on and work toward.

But sometimes, our goals are so big that they become overwhelming. We don't know where to start, or lose our way further along the path. And not achieving the unachievable seems like a failure.

Right now, a year into the coronavirus pandemic, so many people's goals are on hold or cancelled outright. Let's face it, over the painful past 12 months, just getting through the day has seemed achievement enough.

Are Your Goals Still Relevant?

We've been forced to reassess what is important in life, and whether our goals are still what we want to achieve, anyway.

I've just finished reading "Atomic Habits" by James Clear, and it made me think differently about goals, habits, self-improvement, and success.

The author says that habits are the brain's way of coping with information overload in new and stressful situations. The brain uses the trial-and-error method of testing varied solutions to a problem, and when it finds one that works, it sticks with it. "If this, then that."

The theory is, each time that we're faced with a tricky situation (known as the cue), our brain will remember what satisfied it last time (craving), and tell us what behavior to perform (response) to solve the problem or relieve the stress (reward) this time.

Our reactions become more automatic through repetition, freeing up energy for new, difficult or creative challenges to come. Clear says that we ingrain well-practiced behaviors until they become part of our identity, "like roots from a tree."

Nurture Your Goals Like a Seed!

However, such habits can be unhealthy. And changing bad habits can be difficult, like uprooting a strong oak tree! Equally, planting new habits is like nurturing a new seed or plant shoot. We might not see the results on the surface for a long time, but eventually our habit can grow and blossom into something amazing!

What I found inspiring in the book was the reminder that small, incremental, positive changes are what lead to success in the long term.

Often, we give up too soon. We don't see enough improvement in our efforts, or it feels difficult and uncomfortable. But just one percent improvement each day, while barely noticeable at the time, adds up to a huge improvement over the course of a year.

Start with a minute a day of a new activity, until you have a habit you hardly notice. Then add just one extra minute a day each week and, before you know it, you'll have created a solid practice with minimal effort.

The book also taught me how to choose and design habits that I am more likely to stick to. The author advises we make any hoped-for habit obvious, easy, attractive, and satisfying.

Reward Yourself for Sticking to Your Plan!

For example, would you like to read more books? Make it obvious and easy by putting the book you're going to read next to your bed or couch. Also, frame your habit in a positive way to incentivize you, or by linking it to another attractive activity, such as joining a book club. And reward yourself for sticking to it: whenever you finish a book, treat yourself to something you enjoy, even if that’s another book!

Clear also advises that we create habits around our natural abilities, preferences and strengths. That way, we're more likely to succeed.

For example, if you love swimming, but you find jogging a chore, don't choose running a marathon as your goal! Make your goal a swimming one. And you can design your career, and wider life goals, in a similar way.

Get to know and understand yourself well, and craft your own path to success accordingly. Ask yourself, "Who do I want to be? What kind of partner or colleague? What kind of leader or friend?"

What small habits can you start creating today to get you on the road to your version of happiness? Let us know, below.

Let Mind Tools Help You to Achieve your Goals!

You can download a FREE copy of the Mind Tools 2021 Life Plan when you subscribe to the Mind Tools Club!

Our Life Plan workbook has helped thousands of people to achieve their personal and career goals since its first edition was published more than a decade ago.

But hurry! Time is running out to get your free copy. The offer ends on Thursday, January 7, 2021. Existing Club members and corporate licensees will be eligible for a free copy too, and anyone can buy their own in the Mind Tools Store for $29.99/£23.00.

The post Goals, Habits and Small Steps to Self-Improvement appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Greatness is inspiring others to be their best."

About This Week's Chat

I recently read a book that truly inspired me, about all the teachers one boy had when he was growing up. Darren was often the smallest boy in his class. His parents were poor, his school uniform didn't always fit perfectly. He wasn't good at sport and often felt like the odd one out.

What Darren had, though, was a brilliant mind. He also had a gift for speaking, and for singing, and a love of people. However, as a small boy he didn't know that yet. So it took ordinary teachers, going about their work with extraordinary love and care, to unlock his gifts.

Darren writes about how his teachers had such an impact on him, and how it would last a lifetime. When I think back about the book, I don't recall reading about any one of them who did anything huge or truly extraordinary. Instead, their greatness was in their way of being.

Inspiring Others by Simply Being

These teachers were passionate about teaching the young Darren. They spoke affirming words, acknowledged his strengths, and encouraged him to always do his best.

Darren experienced how their kindness changed him. He knew that they wanted the best for him. And because of the impression those teachers left, Darren decided that he wanted to become a teacher, too.

Today, Darren August is a corporate trainer, coach and motivational speaker. He's passionate about helping others to unleash their potential, because he was inspired by teachers who helped him to unleash his.

Attitude Is All

His book made me think of ordinary people in my life who have inspired me, and still do. I have a colleague whose extraordinary journey of self-discovery is a major inspiration to be the best version of me that I can be.

Another colleague coped with a life-threatening disease. She was so calm and positive, and approached everything in the most practical way she could. She taught me that you can handle anything with the right attitude.

And one of my best friends started a new life with nothing but a vision, a strong work ethic, and the willingness to learn. None of those are extraordinary talents, but the way he put them to work was both extraordinary and inspiring.

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child

During our #MTtalk Twitter chat this week, we discussed inspiring others by just "being." Here are the questions we asked, and some of the responses we received:

Q1. Has anyone ever inspired you to change your life in a significant way just by who they were? What was their role in your life?

@GThakore My uncle became my mentor when I was struggling after my engineering studies... he inspired me to change my thought process and attitude.

@SabrinaCadini When I look back at my life journey, I realize many people around me (starting with my parents, family, friends, colleagues, etc.) shaped who I am year after year. The bigger the community, the stronger the influences and the effects.

Q2. How were they "being"? What did you see in them that inspired you?

@Singh_Vandana Staying grounded, honest, in self-control while being in a position of authority. Helping those in need.

@carriemaslen I've seen so many positive traits from the people who have influenced me, including resiliency, humility, grace, perseverance, kindness, open-mindedness.

Q3. How can feeling inspired change a person's life?

@itstamaragt Feeling inspired can help a person take effective action. When people are inspired, they are often more determined and driven.

@SanabriaJav Feeling inspired adds purpose and motivation to a person's life, which can be a force for good.

Q4. Whose words have inspired you, and how?

@MicheleDD_MT Myles Horton. He was an adult educator who founded the Highlander School in the USA. Helped people & communities to embrace their power & create social change.

@SizweMoyo A friend of mine reminded me that we're all equal in the world and that I also deserve some respect and dignity. That has helped me to be able to stand up, speak up and be heard.

Q5. Do you have to go beyond the call of duty to be inspiring? Why or why not?

@harrisonia No, you don't have to go beyond the call of duty to be inspiring; just be yourself authentically. Putting on airs to influence others yields a short reward, not necessarily inspiration.

@hopegovind Yes, it's because you show the way, you set the things right when you go beyond your call of duty. It also shows your engagement and commitment.

Q6. In your opinion, what role does excellence play in inspiring people?

@JKatzaman Those who don't strive for excellence offer little inspiration for others.

@Yolande_MT Your excellence can help others see how well they might be able to do an ordinary task. It takes you from good to great. Greatness is inspiring.

Q7. In what ways have you inspired others?

@PG_pmp Walking the talk helps to build trust and hopefully inspires others too.

@archanakra Usually sharing my own experience and my own story will inspire others especially young citizens.

Q8. In what ways do you feel a sense of responsibility when inspiring others?

@Midgie_MT I feel a sense of responsibility that I have to maintain my healthy approach to what I eat and how much I exercise. Additionally, feel as if I have to always be positive and cheery as I help others to be positive and cheery.

@YEPBusiness As a speaker of difficult things on stage #PTSD I'm conscious of not taking them to a dark place from which they cannot recover. I use comedy to deliver the message of hope and optimism. Laugh and learn is my motto.

Q9. If you are a role model, do you feel you need to be "perfect"? Explain.

@SanabriaJav Nobody is perfect. Role models just need to own their mistakes. Accountability and humility are good traits for a role model.

@harrisonia I am neither a role model nor feel the need to be perfect. I just like being efficient and getting things done right the first time. So I strive to be prepared and knowledgeable. If this demeanour inspires someone, BONUS!

Q10. What will you do more of now to inspire others?

@carriemaslen Remember there are multiple ways to inspire; from a simple smile to one stranger on a street, to captivating a room full of colleagues.

@Yolande_MT Be a force for good, speak for those who can't speak for themselves.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up

Many of you will know the saying, "I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand." The topic of our next #MTtalk chat is, "Do. Learn. Improve." We're going to discuss how we learn and improve by doing what we've learned. In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know how you best learn a new skill. Please cast your vote here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources relating to the topic we discussed this time (some of which may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club):

Giving Praise

Using Stretch Goals With Your Team

Beyonder Creativity

Business Storytelling

New Ideas – Strategies and Techniques

Creating An Energizing Work Environment

How to Be A Good Role Model

Motivating Managers

Establishing Credibility

Transformational Leadership

Motivation

Building Trust

Authenticity

The post Inspiring Others by Simply Being – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Gold stars and certificates are rare in adult life. It's like society says to us that we should no longer need confirmation of our achievements and progress handed down by someone else. Instead, it's time to stand on our own two feet and have confidence. "Darn it, I'm good!" But I have to be honest. I still get a glow from a quiet nod, a thumbs up, or even a smiley in an email that means, "Well done." Yes, I do know I'm worth it, but – isn't it just great when someone else notices your contribution and shares that with you? Don't you feel encouraged in what you're doing, motivated to do more of it, somehow more loyal to that co-worker or manager?

I'm not talking about empty flattery or routine effusiveness. They do more damage than good. And I surely don't want to be patronized. But a well-placed and well-pitched celebration can, in combination with a thousand other acts of emotional intelligence, grow a powerful, high-functioning team. Each team member understands and acknowledges the value and ability of every other member, and they get a buzz out of achieving together as well as individually. They'll happily "go the extra mile" for more success.

This is exactly how I felt six months into my very first job. I was the most junior assistant in a laboratory and the most recent person to join the team. I was concentrating hard, and learning as fast as I could. So, when some of my test results seemed unlikely, I repeated the analysis even more carefully, twice, only to get the same answer. I discussed my findings with my supervisor, who checked and approved my work. I heard no more until a week or so later, when I was called into the manager's office and presented with a bottle of whiskey as a thank you from head office.

Apparently, my attention to detail and prompt reporting had saved the company a hugely embarrassing mistake. I was thrilled at the vote of confidence in me and my work, but I was also teetotal at the time, so strong spirits weren't quite the right reward!

Now, picture the energy, joy and camaraderie of a sports medal-winners' ceremony, with all its cheering and hugging. When did you last feel like that at work? Maybe you never expect to, wouldn't want to, or don't think it would be appropriate? Is it in your power as a team member, manager or leader to enable just a bit more of that spirit in your workplace, in a way that's right for you? Our article on Celebrating Achievement might give you some ideas. It also has a few warnings to observe if you're to avoid getting it horribly wrong...

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