Guess what? This time the power button broke as soon as it hit the floor. It flashed on and off on sleep mode, and I couldn't power it either on or off. Here I was in Copenhagen, Denmark, spending some of the time I'd planned to sightsee… taking my computer in to the shop.

Categorizing Regrets

In his book "The Power of Regret," Daniel H. Pink writes about the upside of one of our less pleasant emotions, regret. Regrets are common and painful, but they can also be surprisingly motivating.

Pink conducted research on regret and determined from his very sizeable surveys that regrets can be categorized depending on their focus, rather than on their content.

For example, one person might regret not going to university while another regrets not proposing to a girlfriend – but both are essentially regretting a lack of boldness.

Many regrets focus on actions not taken, though some focus on deeds done. In each case, we can take inspiration from our regrets to live, in the future, in ways that more fully reflect our desires.

At Least…

In the case of actions taken, Pink says that we can make efforts to undo their damage if possible. My poor laptop is now sitting in a shop in the U.K., waiting for diagnosis and repair. Whether it gets up and running again, or whether I end up needing to buy a new laptop, I'll be cautious about when I use it and where I put it!

We can also make ourselves better with "at least" statements – acknowledging to ourselves that the outcome could have been worse. At least I had my work laptop with me. At least I hadn't broken it on my previous trip, where it was my one and only computer. And at least I had saved most of my important documents to the cloud so was able to access them there.

I'm a little clumsy. I probably always will be. But I can strive to be more mindful in the future to take care of my technology, rather than thoughtlessly hauling it around.

To Regret Is Human

In the 1980s cartoon "The Last Unicorn" (based on Peter S. Beagle's novel), a unicorn is transformed into a human, falls in love, and is eventually returned to her original form. She gains an appreciation of human emotions, including the bittersweet ones.

In the end, she says to the magician responsible for the transformation, "No unicorn was ever born who could regret, but I do. I regret." Then, rather than getting angry at the magician, she thanks him.

Pink writes that regret makes us human. And with its power to impact our future choices, it makes us better.

Listen to Our "Power of Regret" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio recordings.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Club member or corporate user, listen to the "Power of Regret" Book Insight now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

About the Author

Melanie has worked as a writer, freelance and in-house editor, university writing instructor, and language teacher. She is the author of a short story collection, "Dream Signs," and a nonfiction book, "The Modern Enneagram." Melanie has written for several publications including Huffington Post, Cicada, and Contrary Magazine. And she is a certified teacher of the Enneagram, a personality typology that illuminates people's core motivations.

The post I Might Regret Writing This Blog  appeared first on Mind Tools.

But emotions have their place at work, much as many of us like to pretend that our jobs are all business. Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy have written two excellent books on the topic. "No Hard Feelings" describes the need and value of bringing your emotions to work in a balanced way, while "Big Feelings" discusses how to deal with the difficult feelings we all face at times.

Sometimes we're dealing with big feelings in our personal lives. We might need support. And acknowledging and addressing our emotional needs can help us to get our work done.

Feelings Too Big to Hide at Work

Last year, I struggled with my big feelings around major life transitions. I hadn't mentioned these personal events to any colleagues. Then I attended a team-building event where the whole company got together.

It started with an ice-breaker exercise and I found myself face-to-face with the head of the whole company. We had a question to discuss that looked innocent on the surface, but it also got a bit personal. As I started answering the question, I began to cry, right in front of him.

He didn't know the context for my breakdown, as it wasn't really contained in the question or my answer. But I'm grateful for his kind and even-handed response. It was a wake-up call for me that I needed support during this tough time. My feelings were too big to keep to myself – and too overwhelming to successfully fence off from my working life.

Finding Support

Ultimately, work is what helped me navigate these big feelings. I spoke to supportive colleagues about my life changes. I also attended a program called "Tea and Talk," offered by my company's Mental Health First Aid initiative. One colleague led these monthly sessions, facilitating laid-back discussions around a mental health topic while we all chatted over coffee or tea.

Sometimes we need to take time off to navigate big feelings. For me, it was the opposite – I found that my work provided a necessary distraction from getting too overwhelmed by emotions.

Having something useful to do helped me feel productive during a difficult time. And when I needed to take small breaks during the day to process emotions by doing things like taking a walk or grabbing a cup of tea, my flexible working schedule allowed me to take them.

Feeling and Connecting

Bringing my feelings to work, like I'm doing right now in this blog, helps me connect with others, whether it's through the content I write or my relationships with colleagues. I've realized that knowing how to handle my emotions in a healthy way makes me better at my job.

So, don't leave your big feelings behind when you start your workday. They won't stay there. Learn how to bring them gracefully into your professional life, and they'll enrich the work you do!

Listen to Our "Big Feelings and No Hard Feelings" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio recordings.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Club member or corporate user, listen to the "Big Feelings and No Hard Feelings" Book Insight now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

About the Author

Melanie has worked as a writer, freelance and in-house editor, university writing instructor, and language teacher. She is the author of a short story collection, "Dream Signs," and a non-fiction book, "The Modern Enneagram." Melanie has written for several publications including Huffington Post, Cicada, and Contrary Magazine. And she is a certified teacher of the Enneagram, a personality typology that illuminates people's core motivations.

The post When Big Feelings Come to Work  appeared first on Mind Tools.

But it's true, particularly when I'm talking in person. When it comes to some of the most difficult conversations I've had in my life, I could and should have done a lot better.

Feeling Lost for Words

Take when my friend Pete got in touch to tell me that his cancer was back. I stammered some platitudes about always having hope. About being strong. You know the sort of thing. What I simply couldn't do was ask him how he felt. And I've known him for over 30 years.

Or there's my younger son, who's traveling the world at the moment. He's about as different from me as you could imagine – articulate, contentious and outgoing. I miss him, a lot.

And I'm scared. It's a big world and not everyone in it has his best interests at heart. When he messages us to say that he's staying with some guys he met in a club, I visualize situations I can only look at through my fingers.

Some days I just go and sit in his room. I riffle through his vinyl record collection, finding stuff I've given him, and thinking about the tracks he's recommended to me. Things we've shared.

But when I pick him up from the airport, will I be able to tell him that? Will I be able to tell him about the fear? I doubt it. He won't want to hear it, and I won't make a very good job of the explanation. Best that I leave it.

Mad, Sad or Glad?

When professor Brené Brown was conducting research into the language of feeling, she asked people to keep a record of the changing emotions they experienced.

She analyzed responses from around 7,000 people. The vast majority could label just three emotions: anger, sadness and happiness.

For Brown, this lies at the heart of a widespread crisis of emotional communication. We can't talk properly about how we're feeling if we can't name and describe our feelings. So she set out to write a book to help. It's called "Atlas of the Heart."

What Hidden Feeling Lies Beneath

This book does a bit better than naming three emotions. In fact, it isolates and defines 87 of them. And most of them, most of the time, are feelings we don't understand.

Think about anger. Those outbursts of incoherent rage are usually just superficial. There's a whole bunch of contributory emotions swirling beneath the surface. Fear, shame, betrayal.

But we can only identify the anger. And without being able to understand exactly what we're feeling and why, we'll likely always struggle to do anything about it.

Terms of Engagement

There's a refreshing clarity to this book. I'd never really thought about the difference between empathy and sympathy, for example. I'd probably have had them down as near-synonyms. But Brown's distinction is precise.

Empathy is an emotional skill that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing, and to reflect it back. It emphasizes closeness and engagement. By contrast, sympathy says, "I feel sorry for you," but with separation and distance. It says, "I'm sad, but I'm glad it's not me."

In Search of Meaningful Connection

"Atlas of the Heart" is full of this kind of acute observation. It's a reference book for anyone who struggles to understand how they're feeling or to put it into words.

And Brown spells out a larger project in the book's subtitle, "Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience." This book isn't just a glossary of terms. That idea of meaningful connection is vital.

It's great to know the difference between empathy and sympathy, for example, but more important to know how to be empathic. Learning the language is just one step. Speaking it daily is the vital part.

Because if we don't properly understand ourselves, or each other, how are we ever going to get along?

Download Our "Atlas of the Heart" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio downloads.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Club member or corporate user, download or stream the "Atlas of the Heart" Book Insight review now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

How well do you understand your own emotions? What words do you use to describe them? Let us know in the comments, below.

The post How Am I Feeling? It's Hard to Say appeared first on Mind Tools.

When I made that decision, the universe probably smiled, nodded, and said, "We'll see." Many years later I met and married my second husband – who had two teenage children. Although they never lived with us full-time, they did occasionally come on vacation with us or spend time with us when we visited their hometown.

Anybody who steps into a parenting role feels somewhat uncertain; stepping into the role of a stepmom was one of the scariest things I've ever done. I had no experience as a biological parent, and the only experience I could draw on was being a dog mom!

Fortunately, we've never had an argument or a tense atmosphere because they're perfect children and we're perfect parents. So, that's all for today, folks! Nothing interesting to see here. We all lived happily ever after... I wish.

To be honest, we've had some stormy times when we all have had to navigate rough waters.

I knew from my line of work that if we didn't have guiding principles, it would put a lot of strain on our marriage. Early on, we decided that we would present a united front when we needed to deal with potentially difficult issues with the children.

Parenting: Work Experience Works

From day one, we expected the children to have good manners in our house, and I've never tolerated them being disrespectful to their father in front of me. I also undertook to be my husband's "voice of reason" when emotions ran high for him.

They're adults now, so how we interact with them has changed, but we still stick to our guiding principles.

I also draw on my work experience to help me be the best "gift mom" I can be, and the following strategies have been immensely helpful.

My Parenting Top Tips

Always have open and honest, yet respectful, conversations. It's in those conversations that we develop an understanding of one another's hurts, expectations, boundaries, and vulnerabilities.

Don't let an issue fester. If something bothers you, speak up immediately if the place and time are right, otherwise as soon as the time is right. Things don't just disappear on their own if you pretend they didn't happen. Quite the opposite.

Be accountable for what you did/didn't do. Blame-shifting, justification and denial won't fix the problem. Take accountability for what you did and do better next time. It has a higher success rate.

"Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong."

Brené Brown, American professor, lecturer and author

Understand how trust works. Deposit as much as you can into the trust account by doing things like apologizing when you're wrong, keeping your word, not being two-faced, and being transparent.

Listen to one another with your heart, your mind and your ears. If people feel unheard, they feel disrespected.

Be considerate and respectful. Good manners will never get you into trouble!

And even though they're my gift children and they're adults, one of the hardest things to do is to step back, let go, and let them live their lives the way they choose to.

Getting Close by Letting Go

My fellow Mind Tools coach Mike Barzacchini shares that sentiment, and he calls it "Lessons in Letting Go." He says, "As a parent, I tried to hold on, but I learned that parenting is often about learning to let go.

"Sure, when our son was a baby, we held on tight, keeping him close in our hug. As he started to crawl, then walk, I received my first lesson in letting him go within the safe boundaries of our home, our yard, the playground, and eventually school.

"As my son became a teen and a young adult, we negotiated wider boundaries. I needed to grow my trust in myself and in him.

"Letting go built closer bonds and a stronger relationship between my son and me. Were there missteps, mistakes, and sometimes hard lessons? Of course. But each came with the opportunity to grow.

Trusting Your Team

"Letting go is active. It's not ignoring or walking away. It involves listening, learning, being present, and being available. It's communicating that I support your efforts. I'm here when you need me. Which means I will help, not hinder.

"I reflect on these same lessons as a manager. So I resist the urge to hold on to control, to my idea, to directing the project with a tight hand. Instead, I let go. I trust the talent and judgment of my team members. And by letting go, we build a stronger team and produce better work.

"Maybe the bigger lesson is this: the more we trust ourselves, the more we are able to trust and support others, as parent, partner, co-worker, and manager. And the more we come to see the active process of letting go as a strength that can benefit any relationship."

Parenting and Work: Changing Perspectives

During our recent #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed different perspectives and attitudes when applying parenting skills in the workplace. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. Can you build a career and a family at the same time?

@Midgie_MT Definitely yes you can build both at the same time. I believe it helps to have a good support system in place, both at home and in the workplace, to help with managing things.

@J_Stephens_CPA Absolutely yes! It's easier when your company supports you. And it's great to see more companies supporting women in their roles of career and family now, too (but still more work to be done there).

Q2. How does becoming a parent change the way you approach your work and career?

@ColfaxInsurance My husband and I have been seriously discussing having children and these are the big questions we've had: how will this affect our careers? What do we need to do to accommodate kids? What is our work willing to do to accommodate us?

@ZalaB_MT I think it depends on many levels – from the type of work you do, your schedule and your attitude towards work. As a parent, I'm rethinking my work-life balance daily. I know my priorities at work, but I need to align them with my parenting "duties" and care.

Since becoming a parent my boundaries are a lot more solid when it comes to working commitments. I am more adamant about saying no [to] things I can't fit into my schedule. I'm also more "let's get to the point" because I'm much more cautious with time.

And since becoming a (working) mum I've given myself some slack. I limit the number of things to put on my to-do list and will not allow my work time to eat into my private life so much anymore. Afternoons are allowed for "us time with my daughter," and work can wait.

Q3. What negative feelings do you experience as a working parent?

@MikeB_MT I'm not sure if "negative" is the correct feeling. But there's always a friction to do "more and better" both at work and home. The truth is we're human with limited energies and resources. That's why it's important to seek balance.

@SoniaH_MT I'd imagine the negative feelings working parents experience include: guilt (for not being as available as you'd like); separation anxiety (new baby leave time is too short); inadequacy (wanting to give your child more but cannot).

Q4. What's the best thing about being a working parent?

@Yolande_MT If I had to speculate, it's probably the feeling of accomplishment that you're taking good care of the children you brought into the world (or adopted) by providing a secure environment. Maybe it's that you get to go home to a little person that thinks the world of you? (That's before the teenager emerges who thinks you're the most embarrassing person on earth… LOL)

@MikeB_MT I try to bring experiences from both sides of my life into the other. It's wonderful to celebrate the parents and families of my co-workers. When I started in my job, our son was four. Now he's 26 and I've seen so many of my colleagues start and grow their families.

Q5. When have work and parenting clashed for you? What did you do to cope?

@ZalaB_MT Work and parenting clash daily! You cope daily, finding solutions and getting through the hurdles and setbacks. I'm grateful to have the freelance type of work and to have great clients who understand and a supportive family – to arrange things when needed.

@SoniaH_MT The first parenting & work clashes that come to mind would be about unscheduled leave: needing to take off from work at a moment's notice for your child's school's early closing or delayed opening, or child's health or disciplinary issues.

Q6. "It takes a village to raise a child." Does that also apply in the workplace when you have a new employee?

@SarahH_MT I love that comparison. We should absolutely recognize it takes the "workplace village" to ensure new staff are properly settled in. Too often it's left to HR or the line manager but everyone should make sure new staff are nurtured and feel loved.

@ColfaxInsurance Oh definitely! Introducing a new member to the team and its atmosphere, settling them into their particular role, training, and helping them find their rhythm in the group is an all-hands-on-deck situation.

Q7. What does it mean to "parent" a team member? When should you do it – and when shouldn't you?

@Midgie_MT Sometimes we can all have child-like behaviors so having a firm "adult" approach to the situation sometimes is needed. Yet, it is not a manager's responsibility to "parent" their employees.

@ColfaxInsurance "Parenting" a team member is to take on a mentoring sort of role. If they're struggling and you have the ability to help, by all means, offer your expertise. If they don't want it though, back off. I can also see this becoming an issue with the "parented" team member becoming complacent/co-dependent/lazy because the "parenting" member does everything for them.

Q8. What parenting strategies/skills that you use for your children also work for your team?

@Dwyka_Consult It's learning to balance push and pull, holding on and letting go, being there without smothering, showing care without being patronizing or overbearing.

@J_Stephens_CPA Encouraging them when things don't go right the first time. Accepting when they "fail" at something new. We don't expect the kids to be perfect, we shouldn't expect it of anyone (including ourselves says the "recovering" perfectionist).

Q9. What have you learned about parenting that's made you a better co-worker, and what have you learned working with others that's made you a better parent?

@Midgie_MT Although not a parent, I've certainly learned when good is good enough, when doing something to the best of my abilities is fine and to let go of perfectionism.

@Yolande_MT Parenting taught me to keep in mind that the child's experience of a situation isn't the same as mine – and it's something I should consider when interacting with them. Working with people taught me that every coin has two sides – and very often they're not "right" or "wrong," just different. Ditto the kids.

Q10. How can we best support people in parenting roles?

@SarahH_MT Shouldn't we best support people by asking them how we can best support them? We don't need to overcomplicate it, just remember that what they may need is likely to be different to what a non-parent needs. Treat people as individuals with individual lives.

@J_Stephens_CPA So much of my office came together around us when my youngest was 18 and spent that January in the hospital. Gift cards for meals, visits to see and encourage him (the hospital was around the corner from my office). Allowing me to work remote part of the day.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up on #MTtalk

Good parents demonstrate the importance of "fair play" by showing their children how to learn from their losses and celebrate their successes. Leaders model this behavior with their teams. During our next chat, we're going to talk about hilarious career moments.

In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know what the biggest benefit of humor in the workplace is.

Parenting and Work Resources

Please note that you'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.

Managing Working Parents

Combining Parenthood and Work

Working Moms and Daddy Day Care – the Hidden Side of Co-Parenting

Handling Long-Term Absences in Your Team

Getting a Good Night's Sleep

Putting Your Parenting Skills to Work

Transactional Analysis

How Should Organizations Treat Working Parents?

How to Juggle Caregiving Responsibilities and Work

Can You Be a Good Leader and a Good Parent?

The post Parenting and Work: Changing Perspectives – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Obviously, none of these methods are healthy. And perpetuating these stereotypes does nothing to help men find an outlet without feeling overshadowed by judgment.

Men are just as prone to anxiety, depression and emotional difficulties as women. While it can be hard to be vulnerable, particularly if you’ve had a lifetime of experience shutting your feelings down, it's important to find ways to deal with your feelings in a healthier way.

The Dangers of Suppressed Emotions for Men

Suppressing your sadness and anxiety affects men in more ways than many people realize. In addition to being an underlying cause of anxiety, depression and other mental health disorders, suppressing emotions such as anger can impact your thinking and behavioral patterns, and disrupt relationships. It can also lead to physical problems such as:

• Increasing the risk of blood pressure
• Heart complications
• Headaches
• Migraines
• Digestive problems

Keeping a lid on negative emotions can also increase the risk of addiction. Men suffer more from substance abuse and dependence than women do, but they "tend to enter treatment later in the course of addiction," observes wellness writer, Hannah Friedman. "This may be because there is greater stigma attached to the idea of seeking help among men than there is among women. That stigma is isolating and extremely harmful. As a result, men may feel it's better to suffer in silence than it is to get the help they need and deserve."

Talk It Out

From work commitments and family issues to money worries and health concerns, there are many reasons why you might be experiencing negative emotions. 

Talking to someone about what’s bothering you, whether it’s a family member, a friend you trust or a licensed therapist, can really help in offloading some of the weight that these worries can place on you.

In my own experience, talking therapies have helped people function better in everyday life and can provide you with the coping strategies to deal with negative emotions in a healthier way.

Give Yourself a New Focus

One of the less healthy ways that many men handle their emotions is through alcohol and drugs. But when you self-medicate to cope with challenges in your everyday life, it can become a crutch that you depend on whatever life throws at you. 

Finding a stress-relieving hobby or activity that gives you a new focus when things feel too much can be really helpful in helping men manage their emotions without relying on harmful substances. It might be taking up a new sport, going for a run, reading or playing music, or cooking. These are outlets you can turn to when your emotions feel heavy, that aren’t going to impact your health in a negative way.

Develop Benign Attention

Benign attention stems from mindfulness meditation, and there’s a growing body of research that suggests it can help with stress, anxiety and negative emotions such as anger.

This method encourages you to sit with your emotions, whatever they are, without judgment or shame and simply observe them. Over time, you develop the ability to recognize when you’re feeling something without it causing suffering. 

For men who struggle to know how to handle their feelings, this creates space between you and your emotions. You can observe them with a level of impartiality, which enables you to respond rather than react.

Learn From the Past

Identifying the ways that grief, loss, sadness or anger have made you feel in the past, and the events or situations that caused those emotions, can help you to prepare for the future. 

Journaling is a great way to spot these patterns. There’s no set way of journaling, so whether you choose to write short, snappy points, long personal entries or draw your thoughts, they’re all valid and can really help in breaking down the problem, so you can get to the root of the issue.

Final Thoughts

We all struggle with negative emotions from time to time, but for men there are societal expectations that can make tackling these thoughts harder. Identifying healthy ways to cope with stress and anger, anxiety or depression, will ensure that you don’t fall into the habit of relying on harmful practices like substance abuse, lashing out or physical altercations.

About the Author:

Chris is a passionate mental health and wellbeing writer and psychologist, focusing on sharing his experience and improving the lives of others. When Chris isn't researching the latest holistic and wellbeing therapies, he's spending time with his two cats, usually curled up on the sofa reading a book.

The post How Men Can Manage Negative Emotions in a Healthy Way appeared first on Mind Tools.

Why do we do it to ourselves? In our latest #MTtalk Twitter chat, as part of our initiative on Reflect, Recover, Reset, we discussed what self-shaming looks like, why we do it, and how to stop it.

Shame on Her? No, Shame on Me!

"We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can't use shame to change ourselves or others."

Brené Brown, U.S. author and academic

There she is again: that fat, unattractive woman. Honestly, how does she get through a single day looking like that? Shame on her! How does she have the nerve to stick her nose out the door, never mind that rear end?

Does she expect to be loved and respected looking like that? It's obvious that she has no self-discipline or self-control. What could she possibly amount to in life?

If you think that sounds a bit harsh, you'd be right. But those were my thoughts about that fat woman, that she deserved it. But the fat lady was me. I was talking to my reflection in the mirror. Every time I saw myself I felt sick and disgusted. Shame on me.

Shame Was a Normal Feeling

I was 21 years old, and nearly 90 pounds overweight. Some nights, I dreamed that I was thin again. I dreamed of a version of me that was acceptable to my mother, that didn't look like a giant next to my petite sister, a version of me that I could be proud of.

But I'd wake up in my fat body, with tears streaming down my face.

They say that you don't know what you don't know. What I'm sharing next might sound unbelievable: I thought that how I felt about myself was completely normal. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s that I learned "self-shaming" existed. To me, it was normal to talk to myself that way. I thought that it would help me to "discipline" myself into a better version of me.

Self-shaming is not a very effective way of changing yourself or of dealing with mistakes. I only learned that when, with the help of a therapist, I came to understand the concept of self-shaming. I started accepting myself and my body, and with self-acceptance came the ability to love myself enough that I wanted what was best for me and my health: losing the excess weight – which I did.

Where Do We Learn Self-Shaming?

Self-shaming is a learned behavior. In other words, you hear and see people around you shame themselves and others. It becomes normalized behavior, especially if you are the one being shamed.

In my case, I heard my family fat-shaming other people long before I was ever overweight. It was no secret that they thought of overweight people as "less than."

In their opinion, "those people" simply had to get their act together and start losing weight. Being fat was much worse than being unkind or unforgiving. That's not what their words said, but that's the story their behavior told.

I've also experienced organized religion as being very adept at using shame as a mechanism to keep people "in line." In schools, even inept teachers use it to "discipline" learners!

The Unfairness of Shame

Recently, I had a conversation that I couldn't get out of my mind. A friend was talking to me about her overweight (adult) daughter, and how ashamed she is of her daughter's appearance. That was her focus, not that her daughter is an exceptionally gifted woman, and very successful in her professional career.

I asked her if she realized that what her daughter needs most is to be loved and accepted unconditionally, as she is now. She said she knew, but she couldn't help how she reacted. My friend admitted, "She says when I walk in the door, I look at her and lift my brows. I can't control it. I've always wanted to be thin and I don't understand why it doesn't bother her that she's fat."

Her words felt like someone stabbed me in my heart. It was like my own story all over again. I heard the pain of a daughter who had to live in a state of apology for not being the way her mother thought she should be.

I heard the unfairness of thin discriminating against fat. And I heard arrogance – the type of arrogance that makes one person think they're so much better than another because of their appearance, and that it's okay to shame or treat the other person poorly based on their looks.

On the one hand, I wanted to tell this woman in no uncertain terms how much she's damaging her daughter. On the other, I wanted to deal with the situation like a therapist, but she isn't my client. I had to change the topic to navigate through the conversation safely.

The Effects of Self-Shame

Looking back at my younger self, I realize that it must have been difficult to work with me. Someone who is so used to being shamed and feeling bad about themself tends to be defensive and over-sensitive. I can remember taking every bit of criticism personally.

I also felt like an impostor for many years. Even after I had completed two degrees "cum laude" in the top five percent of my group, I still felt like I was a fraud and that one day someone was going to "find me out," because I never felt good enough.

People who are constantly feeling a sense of shame might struggle to reach their full potential. They might also not put forward their ideas and speak up in meetings. Years of pent-up resentment and anger mean they often have to learn how to be assertive, rather than become aggressive or passive-aggressive.

Why Do We Shame Ourselves?

Maybe we shame ourselves for not being able to perfectly juggle our careers, children, partners, working from home, and cooking all meals from scratch. Maybe we don't stick to our six-days-a-week exercise regimen and don't get eight hours of sleep every night.

Here are the questions we asked during our #MTtalk Twitter chat, and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. What is shame? How do you define it?

@J_Stephens_CPA Shame is an emotional response to stimulus. While most of the other responses covered the negative aspects of shame, there is a positive aspect. Shame is what we feel when we've done something wrong and know we shouldn't have. It is usually accompanied by remorse.

@MicheleDD_MT A feeling that I am flawed, that I am not good enough or unworthy. So, I beat myself up.

Q2. What are some examples of "shame words" or self-shaming phrases?

@lg217 Examples of shame words are curse words, as well as words that are hurtful to others. I do not wish to say them, but anything that harms someone's race or character is a shameful word.

@emapirciu Shame words: you can't do it/shouldn't do it. It's too much for you. You're doing it wrong. You've always been a little silly. You should feel bad about what you did. You're not a good person. You should be ashamed of yourself. How dare you?

Q3. Why do we shame ourselves? Where/how did you learn to self-shame?

@carriemaslen We learn or feel shame when we compare ourselves to others, or let others define us (for our looks, likes, successes... ).

@GThakore Self-shaming is a tool that corrects/helps from deviating from the path of self-values.

Q4. What are your shame triggers?

Almost all participants mentioned that making a mistake or not being "perfect" at something are shame triggers. Is that the mirror that society holds to us?

@JKatzaman Social media is a shame trigger when you look at others. As someone from a past chat said, "You only see the highlight reel."

@TwinkleEduCons Realising I've made a mistake I didn't even consider. (Shame of not knowing everything in the world, ever!) Hearing that I've genuinely hurt someone through thoughtlessness.

Q5. How well has self-shaming served you? How effective is it as a change catalyst?

@Dwyka_Consult Self-shaming is unproductive. It keeps you trapped inside the part of yourself you dislike most, like a fish swimming round and round the same little bowl.

@MicheleDD_MT Self-shaming made me a perfectionist. Perfectionism & fear of not being good enough created intense anxiety. I didn't jump on opportunities because I thought I would fail.

Q6. Why is self-shaming so destructive?

@WonderPix Maybe we know best how to hurt ourselves deepest. When we self-shame that can happen.

@LernChance There is no outside view. It's all my perception, my experience, my thoughts.

Q7. Are self-shaming and self-deprecating humor the same thing?

@ColfaxInsurance Depends on the intent behind the self-deprecating humor. If you laugh at yourself and then move past it, then it's different from self-shaming. If you're using the SDH to self-shame and dwell on the negative, then it's the exact same thing.

@Midgie_MT I personally view self-deprecating humor as another form of self-shaming. Sometimes there is a thread of truth in the jokes that can hurt.

Q8. How can you stop self-shaming? In what more positive ways can you interact with yourself?

@Yolande_MT Be aware of your internal dialogue and replace self-shame with truth. Self-shame: "I'm not good enough." Truth: "This is not my strongest point, but I'm learning and getting better at it."

@emapirciu Choose your values. Work with yourself to understand the difference between what you want to be and what other people expect you to be. Then cancel everything that doesn't belong to you. Freedom starts when you realize that the only opinion that matters is yours.

Q9. What do you think is the single most important antidote to self-shaming? Why is that your choice?

@JKatzaman The most important antidote to self-shaming is being comfortable inside your own skin. Coincidentally, that goes back to Mark Twain saying, "A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval." Under the Equal Time Provision, that also applies to women.

@SizweMoyo Detachment from your thoughts and ideas is a very helpful antidote to some self-shaming opinions: "I have these thoughts but I am not these thoughts."

Q10. How do you respond when you hear someone say something that is self-shaming? How can you support them?

@TwinkleEduCons I gently challenge with compassion & encourage kindness to self. Offer a more compassionate view of the situation.

@NgukaOduor I usually repeat the statement and ask them how it sounded and if they would like to own it. From that I help them out by [using] positive affirmations on the same statement which we repeat a number of times.

To read all the tweets, see the Wakelet collection of this chat, here.

Coming Up

Shaming ourselves is one cause of poor self-care, but it can also be a consequence of not practicing self-care. In our next #MTtalk chat in the "Reflect, Recover & Reset" series, we'll be talking about why we suck at self-care.

In our poll this week, we'd like to know which element of self-care you tend to neglect most. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Useful Resources

If you would like to dive deeper into topics and resources related to our discussion about self-shaming, the following Mind Tools articles may be useful. Please note, some of the listed resources may only be accessible in full to members of the Mind Tools Club.

Managing Your Boundaries

How Self-Confident Are You?

Boosting Your Self-Esteem

Making Amends

Self-Sabotage

Beware the "Cheater's High"!

Building Self-Confidence

8 Ways to Strengthen Your Team With Positive Narratives

The post Why Do We Self-Shame? – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men" is out now in paperback, just in time for International Women's Day. It's by British broadcaster and feminist campaigner, Caroline Criado Perez, and has won the Financial Times and McKinsey & Company Business Book of the Year Award, and the Royal Society Science Book Prize.

The author's central thesis is that almost all data used on a global scale to inform medical, scientific and technological development, urban planning, and economic and social policy is biased against women.

The data collected, declares Perez, is based on a male model. Men are “the default human” and the model does not take women into account.

Data Bias, Built In

In fact, Perez reveals that data on the female population is often not collected at all. And the impact of living in a world “designed for men,” according to Perez’s extensive research, places women at a disadvantage.

This could be shivering in offices set to male body temperature. Or having a heart attack go undiagnosed because the common symptoms for women are deemed “atypical.”

Perez addresses a vast landscape, including medication, restrooms, public transportation, automobile safety, and military equipment, to name a few areas.

Data Bias, the Facts

Many facts in this book surprised me. Here’s a small sample:

• Car crash test dummies are modeled after a man’s average weight and height. This means female drivers have a higher chance of incurring severe injuries than males in comparable collisions. Buying a car for its excellent crash rating may not protect me after all!

• Speech recognition software is 70 percent more accurate in recognizing male speech than female speech, simply because the software is designed around men’s voices as the default. Not only is this frustrating, but it also has serious implications. One example that Perez cites is when emergency physicians use speech recognition software to dictate vital notes. Their accurate transcription is critical to patient care.

• Influenza vaccines for women should be different from men's, as women develop higher antibody responses.

Perez’s meticulous attention to detail is laudable. There are 1,331 citations, covering 69 pages! I have not met the author, but I can safely say she is a person who does not believe in half-measures.

Mind the Gender Gap

I experienced a range of emotions while reading this book. It started with curiosity and fascination at seeing an author deftly pulling back the curtain to reveal the harm that gender bias can cause in so many vital areas. I couldn’t put the book down.

I was awed by the author's rigor and painstaking research. But a word of caution: while I recommend that everyone reads this stellar book, don’t read it straight through. You could end up demoralized.

The bad news is overwhelming at times. Even when there is something positive about the gender data gap narrowing, it is immediately followed with a “but” that introduces more bad news. There’s no let-up.

Yes, I enjoyed Perez’s investigative style and her level of detail and passion. But the barrage of research on what seemed like an inexhaustible range of topics eventually became a little tedious. There is too much repetition.

Discrimination Works Both Ways

Most importantly, we are left feeling that we live in a world that’s intentionally hostile toward women.

Yet as the author says, “One of the most important things to say about the gender data gap is that it is not generally [my emphasis] malicious, or even deliberate. Quite the opposite. It is simply the product of a way of thinking that has been around for millennia and is therefore a kind of not thinking.”

This significant statement is buried in the preface. It's significant because, throughout the book, there is a relentless hammering of men, bordering on misandry.

In my experience, the vast majority of men care for their mothers, sisters, wives, and daughters. I am wondering how these good men might feel all being painted with the same sexist brush.

Good News Is Out There

It would have been nice if the book offered a ray of hope. Certainly, one can say that there’s never been a better time to be a woman, in most of the developed world at least.

I am not an expert on gender, but just a quick search on the internet yielded much positive news for women. Here are a few examples:

• Volvo has been an early adopter in using female crash test dummies. “The female dummies,” says the company, “are not scaled-down male dummies but have anthropometry based on female data.”
• A study by Link Humans in London shows commitment to empowering women in tech is real. In Vancouver, for example, where I live, Unbounce reached a milestone of gender parity with its 200 employees. And a large number of CEOs here in British Columbia have taken the Minerva Diversity Pledge.
• Recently, Scotland unveiled plans to become a world leader in gender equality, tackling systems that too often perpetuate inequality.
• No, there are not yet enough statues of women in public places. But Spain has renamed many of its streets after famous women, from Spain and around the world.

Men Need to Read This Book

Addressing data bias is a topic that's long overdue. And Perez is a formidable force for raising awareness. But to enact change, we need to get this book into the hands of as many men as possible, for the simple reason that men still hold the most power and are the majority of decision-makers in almost all areas of life.

It’s easy for "Invisible Women" to grab the attention of female readers. It’s preaching to the converted. So, a part of me wanted this book to be written from a gender-neutral stance, rather than from a feminist perspective.

Tempering zeal and passion with a more neutral approach may have resulted in a more balanced book, and one that might attract a broader readership. Ironically, this is one instance where it would be unwise to ignore the male data!

If you liked this review, you might also like analyst James Wilson's blog for Emerald Works about the wise (and unwise) use of data in an age of fake news.

Mind Tools Club members and corporate users will be able to access our Book Insight podcast on "Big Data" by Timandra Harkness.

The post Data Bias in a World Designed for Men – My Reaction to “Invisible Women” appeared first on Mind Tools.

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

My core group of friends and I go back about 20 years and, reasonably enough, we liked to think that we knew one another. Inside out. Recently, though, we discovered the awful truth…

We met at elementary school, grew up together, and shared a strong identity as part of the Asian community in our town. Eventually, we all made it from excitable adolescents to more mature young men. And, somehow, we managed to stay close – despite our various sporting allegiances! 

And, until a few months ago, our conversation rarely strayed from the latest football scores and standard everyday “lad chat.” 

That was despite the fact that over the decades, some of us moved away. Some got married and started families. Some of us set up our own businesses, too. But our conversations never evolved along with us.

Toxic Masculinity, No Friend to Men 

We never addressed anything important that was going on in our lives. We certainly never touched on any real emotions. This all changed in the past year, when one of the group suffered a very painful time, one that he didn't feel able to share. Rather than opening up to us, he brushed his pain under the rug.  

We all told him that we were there for him, and encouraged him to talk about how he was feeling. I’d only recently lost someone myself, and I thought that talking would make it easier for him. He, though, was determined to keep quiet and carry on. Alone. 

This was a real eye-opener for the group. How could someone who we had shared so much of our lives with, not be able to talk to us when he needed us the most? 

It was this that made us see the truth: that we had been conditioned as “guys” to not talk about our fears, pains or troubles. We quickly realized it was an approach that was not doing us any good. Which is exactly why we decided to address it. 

We wanted to start discussing all those topics we’d never dared to before. We wanted to work out how we could avoid the trap of “toxic masculinity” in the future – especially the belief that we should never ask for help. 

"Man Up" No Answer to Man Down

So, how could we let go of our inhibitions and speak from the heart? Then one of the group shared a video from YouTube: Why I'm done trying to be "man enough," by Justin Baldoni. It nailed toxic masculinity and just how we were all feeling. Suddenly, our WhatsApp group was buzzing. 

Next time we met, we began to admit the pressure we were all under, all of the time. Not just to earn, to provide, to succeed – but to be brilliant, exceptional, to be always acing it.

We laughed together at the cultural stereotype, but we knew this was layered on top of something even more fundamental. We’d each kept up a façade all our lives to create the illusion of the acceptable alpha male. It had been a rule that we should “man up,” even with one another. Now we were giving ourselves permission to break that rule. 

The result was amazing. It turned out that a lot of us were holding back information, afraid of being laughed at. For once, instead of talking about sports, we were talking about real life. It was like a weight off our shoulders. 

Men's Liberation 

And our bereaved friend joined in. We hadn’t bullied him into talking, or made him the center of the discussion. Instead, he’d discovered he was no different from the rest of us. And, like the rest of us, he felt liberated that we could, after all, have this conversation. 

We wanted more! So we agreed to meet again, to repeat the experience, and now it’s a monthly event. We’ve looked at subjects as diverse as the marketing of male grooming, and the pressures it creates to compete and consume. And one of the group revealed that he has kept his dyslexia a secret all his life. 

Our events are called “Mandem Linkup,” a tongue-in-cheek reference to the hardened street persona most from our area try to live up to. Now we have between five and 12 of us meeting every time. 

We’ve kept the meetings informal but there are some rules to help keep us safe. No one shares other people’s personal stuff outside of the group, and everyone gets a turn to pick the topic. There’s no obligation to speak, and some people never do. But they listen and support the rest of us with their presence. 

Understanding Masculinity

We hold the meetings wherever we feel comfortable, in public or private. Mainly, where we can concentrate and hear one another properly – so not the crowded bar we tried once!

Often, we’ll chat over food or drinks, and sometimes we’ll have traveled quite a way to be there. We don’t set a time limit on our discussion, so we can go into as much depth as we want without feeling rushed. 

Each month’s host shares in advance a news story, blog, video… something that grabs his attention and challenges toxic masculinity or supports our understanding of masculinity, and then he’ll run the meeting.  

Don't Worry, Be Chatty

I’ve been surprised and impressed at the emotional intelligence of the group – I don’t think many of us expected to be able to handle this kind of scenario so well. We’ve found that making time for open conversation gives us a safe space in our lives that we didn’t have before. I’m really proud of what we’ve achieved. 

A few of my old friends know about the meetings but are adamant that they don’t want to attend, or to pick up the discussion topics themselves. So we stick to the usual banter when we’re together.  

In contrast, some of our wives, girlfriends, partners, co-workers, and friends are getting increasingly curious, even envious, about the group. If only they could do something similar, they say. You might be wondering about this yourself. 

There is one thing that I'd like you to take away from this, especially if you’re a guy. Just open up to your friends. Don’t be afraid: that is toxic masculinity in action. Chances are some of them have the same worries and hurts that you do.

Take it from me, they will be thankful that you've given them the opportunity to discuss their troubles with you. 

For further insight into some of the topics raised in this blog, try the Mind Tools articles on Authenticity, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Esteem and Empathy. (Some may be available to Club members only.)

How have these issues affected you? Share your experiences in the Comments, below.

The post Why Can’t Men Talk? How Toxic Masculinity Hurts Men Too appeared first on Mind Tools.

So it's a big deal. But it's also a neat bit of insight, because acting on it can help us to create a happier and more productive workplace.

Identifying One of the Three Secret Ingredients

"As leaders start to understand this, they start to pay attention to what people are subconsciously asking them for," Comaford tells me, in our Expert Interview podcast.

And usually, they're asking for one of these three things. Once you've identified which one, you can devise a targeted fix for the problem, building trust in the process.

"So, if somebody is constantly coming to you saying, 'I need more information. I need a backup plan. What if this doesn't work, then what are we going to do?' they're probably asking you for safety," Comaford explains.

Figuring out a Backup Plan

"So, you sit down with them, from the very beginning, and say, 'Hey, we're taking on this new project. Let's figure out a plan. Let's figure out a backup plan. Let's just figure out a backup plan to the backup plan.' We're speaking to them 'in safety,' because that's where they go when they're shut down, or when they're triggered, or when they’re in stress."

The approach is similar for the other two essential feelings.

"If somebody comes to you often for belonging, they want to be included in things. They want to see how they can contribute to the team. Then we approach them through the lens of belonging. If somebody, often when they are under stress, feels unappreciated, like nobody is seeing their contributions, they are probably wanting mattering."

The Importance of Emotional Agility

Understanding this is all part of "emotional agility," a concept that lies at the heart of Comaford's book and her work as a leadership coach. The better we understand our emotional reactions – and those of other people – the more we can control how we react, and the more resilient we become.

If we leave our reactions to our instincts, we often get it wrong, because of how the human brain is wired.

Comaford explains, "Sensory data comes in: you see things, you hear things, you smell things, you taste things, you feel things. That all zooms into your brain stem, into your reptilian brain. It then moves very quickly to your mammalian brain, where emotions are attached. Then it zooms to your prefrontal cortex, where we make meaning."

It's the "emotions" part of that process that can lead us astray, Comaford believes. She illustrates her point with the following example.

Let Emotional Agility Take Control

"We see our boss scowling – that's a visual input. It comes into our brain stem, goes into our mammalian brain. Maybe our shoulders crunch up and we feel a little bit concerned or stressed out. And then, by the time it gets to our prefrontal cortex, we've decided that he's disappointed with us. He's never happy with our work," Comaford says.

"What's that going to do to someone's behavior and capabilities? They will maybe keep their head down, play small, do minimal acceptable work – just to try to not be seen. Whereas that was meaning they just made. Maybe he's scowling because he has a stomach ache," she adds.

Let Your Curiosity Go Free

By contrast, when we're emotionally agile, our conscious selves can step in and take control, making sense of our emotional reactions and interrogating them.

So, instead of avoiding our scowling boss, we might "get curious," Comaford says, "and maybe ask him how he's doing, before the train leaves the station and we decide that he's disappointed with us."

A Practical Guide to Emotional Agility

"Power Your Tribe" provides a comprehensive, practical guide to developing emotional agility. It's structured as a seven-step Resilience Cycle, with the first four steps focused on the individual and the last three on the team, or the "tribe" as Comaford calls it.

In this clip from our Expert Interview podcast, she shares her tips on overcoming bias, part of building tribal agility.

Listen to the full 30-minute interview now.

How emotionally agile are you and your team? How does that show in your work? Join the discussion below!

The post Three Secret Ingredients of Emotional Agility appeared first on Mind Tools.

It’s an interesting take on positive psychology, and refreshing, too. The well-worn theme that happiness will get you everywhere is beginning to ring a bit dull, probably because I’ve heard it once too often. So, when a book crossed my desk called “The Upside of Your Dark Side,” I wondered if a backlash against happiness theory was underway.

Like Oettingen, authors Todd Kashdan (pictured right) and Robert Biswas-Diener are academics in the field of positive psychology. And, like her, they’ve carved their own path that meets difficult emotions head on, leading ultimately, they believe, to improved performance. In the words of the book’s subtitle, “being your whole self, not just your ‘good’ self, drives success and fulfillment.”

When I talked to Kashdan for our Expert Interview podcast, he explained to me what drew them to the dark side.

“We were unsatisfied with the field of research that says: if we focus on people having more sunny days, then they’re going to be more productive, more creative, more loving with their children, less prone to conflict if they get provoked by some obnoxious person that cuts them off on the road,” he said.

“What we thought is, it’s just like farming. If every single day is sunny, you’re going to have a desert. You’re not going to have any crops to [harvest]. The only way to really understand how to be fully functional as a human being, with the complexities of everyday life – where you don’t know how people are going to treat you, you don’t know how you’re going to wake up in terms of your hormone levels, you don’t know what the weather is going to be like, you don’t know if someone is going to try and have a verbal argument with you in front of 50 of your co-workers – in that world, you can’t just study positive emotions and virtues. You need to understand other parts of your personality that are a little bit less comfortable.”

Beyond providing a sense of balance, this understanding of negative emotions can help you perform at your best, he believes. The key is to use the right emotion “in the right dosage to best handle a situation.”

Let’s take anger. “It’s a negative emotion because it’s uncomfortable, but a healthy emotion because it gets you towards the outcomes that are desirable to you,” Kashdan explains.

He gives the following example. You’re in a meeting about cuts to the workforce and suddenly the chair turns to you and says your team will be the one to take the hit because they're not performing as well as other teams. You may have to lose three people.

“Now you’re probably going to get a little bit aroused, upset and angry,” Kashdan notes. But that’s actually a good thing, especially if this is the first time you’ve become riled during the meeting.

Hypothetically speaking, “because I’ve been nice and friendly up til now, I actually have a nice license to say, ‘You know what? There’s something wrong with that. I have not seen those numbers. My team hasn’t seen those numbers and this is unfair of you to be bringing that up without them having a fair chance to respond to them.’

“Everyone will take a step back for a second and say, ‘Whoa, where is that coming from?’ Because this has been very friendly up til now, people are more likely to be responsive and say, 'You know what? Todd has got a point, because it’s not like he walked into the room with a chip on his shoulder'.”

Revealing anger in a controlled way can add weight to your arguments, but only when it’s justified. The same is true of anxiety. Here’s a clip from our interview in which Kashdan talks about "defensive pessimism" – harnessing anxiety to good effect.

Listen to the full 30-minute interview ¦ Install Flash Player.

Kashdan says we should see negative emotions as "tools," and it’s a good analogy. You have to know how to use them to your advantage, just like a hammer or a chisel. When wielded with a light and expert hand, they can produce just the result you want. But use them well: if you unleash them without due care, they can also smash your hopes, limit your chances, and restrict your performance.

“The Upside of Your Dark Side” takes a more realistic stance than many other personal improvement guides. So, instead of trying to suppress your negative feelings, grab a copy of Kashdan and Biswas-Diener's book and find out how to put it to good use.

Have you ever used your "dark side" to your advantage? I'd love to hear about your experiences. Share them in the comments, below.

The post Embrace the Dark Side! appeared first on Mind Tools.