My attacker – my sister – was two. We were on the rug in our living room, playing with wooden bricks. And something about my work on the castle we were building together must not have been to her liking. Because she suddenly picked up the biggest brick she could see and whacked me with it.

There was a little blood, lots of tears, and my sister was hauled away to a safe distance. And, thankfully, she never did it again. Instead, like most people, she steadily improved her ability to share, negotiate, resolve problems, and get her feelings across without resorting to violence.

There were blips along the way (and I'm sure I was no angel). But she learned to be creative with others in a much calmer and more collaborative way. Which was good for my health and safety and, as I’ve come to realize, an essential part of growing up.

Sadly, not everyone at work is quite there yet.

Workplaces at War

In her new book, "Sandbox Strategies for the New Workplace," Penny Tremblay imagines work as a place where we should be able to be creative with a wide range of people, explore what's possible, combine our talents, and have fun while we’re at it. Just like children playing in the sand (or on a living-room rug).

However, we're worse at it than ever, even with many of us now working remotely. In fact, research shows we’re experiencing more conflict than before the pandemic, not less.

So, whether it comes from a sense of unfairness about flexible work hours, personality clashes in virtual meetings, feelings of disconnection – and even exclusion – within a hybrid team, or any number of other potential triggers, Tremblay says that we need to be better at handling conflict than ever before.

And her solution is to look back to childhood – to see the skills that worked well in the sandbox.

Sandbox Strategies for Conflict

These aren't skills for avoiding conflict altogether. After all, great collaboration involves working through conflicting situations and embracing different viewpoints. As well as sometimes confronting unappealing topics to find healthy, creative solutions.

My sister and I would likely have built a better castle if we'd explored our different ideas and pooled our talents. Confrontation doesn't have to mean beating others over the head, figuratively or literally.

Instead, Tremblay's "sandbox strategies" are ways to benefit from the energy created by the “right kind of conflict.” They also bid to protect everyone involved. She paints a glossy picture of children at play, engrossed in a shared activity, experimenting, negotiating, working through any problems as they emerge. All the while constantly improving their coworking skills. And she outlines eight steps to success in her idealized sandbox – brought together in the acronym, "PLAY NICE."

Play Nice!

P, for example, is "position yourself for success." You have to be in the right mental and emotional state to cope with conflict. And preparing for new challenges often means dealing with unresolved conflicts first, or you might bring lots of negative ideas along with you.

As a parent, and especially during a decade working in schools, I often saw children struggling with situations before they'd even started. They'd be worrying about a play date or stressed about a group activity, because of negative experiences in the past.

L is for "lighten your load." Deal with the emotions that are creating conflict for you, or are stopping you from engaging with conflict bravely and positively.

The A in PLAY NICE is "actively listen." How often do kids – and adults – fall out because they don't or won't listen properly to what other people think or need?

And so, step by step, the PLAY NICE approach supports enjoyable, effective coworking, where conflict can be confronted, not dodged. And it leads to what the author calls "assertive play." Not brick-on-skull assertive, or even domineering or aggressive. But self-confident engagement, where people know they have things to contribute, and stake their claim to be fully involved.

The N is particularly important for that: "nurture relationships." However old we are, it's hard to suddenly start being collaborative and creative. You need to build trusting bonds over time. Looking back, I could have done more to make my little sister feel included in our castle-building game.

Conflict: Who's Being Left Out?

So I was particularly drawn to Tremblay's theme of inclusion. Again, parenting and teaching have both taught me that conflict often arises when people feel left out.

So, as we get to grips with virtual and hybrid working, we need to see when people aren’t being involved. Where they're being are left out of decision making, or are excluded from social events. Think of the child left to look on as others play a game, or not invited to that big party.

At work, conflicts that stem from inclusion – creating negative feelings and maybe even challenging behavior – can seriously damage the performance of individuals and teams.

In contrast, getting everyone to "play nice" gives you access to a range of experiences. It also promotes a rich diversity of ideas, and keeps everyone involved in tackling conflicts together. Then moving on.

Time to Grow Up?

The sandbox analogy only goes so far, of course. Different rules apply to children and adults – along with different consequences when things go wrong. Usually, when a child's playtime is over, someone else cleans up the mess.

What's more, as the book makes clear, serious conflict – like harassment or bullying – is anything but a childish matter, and needs to be dealt with way beyond the realm of "play."

However, it feels like we can learn much about dealing with conflicts now by considering the things we learned as kids. Like how to go into challenges with curiosity; include everyone in our games; compromise when necessary. And how we can achieve great things through creative differences and keep on developing our conflict skills – even when we got knocked back (by a brick to the head or otherwise).

It may feel like a stretch to compare adult workplaces with childhood sandboxes. And, I'll be honest, at times Tremblay's analogy comes close to falling apart.

But maybe that's the point. Because, now more than ever, we all need to practice balancing difficult ideas, making sense of differences, combining several viewpoints: "digging in" to conflict, and building great things together.

A few years have gone by, but maybe I'll give my sister a call and see if we can have another go at that castle.

Listen to Our "Sandbox Strategies" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio recordings.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Individual or Enterprise member, listen to the "Sandbox Strategies" Book Insight now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

About the Author

Jonathan Hancock is a Senior Editor/Writer at Mind Tools. In his own right he's published 13 books about learning, written a memory column for Reader's Digest magazine, and acted as a consultant to a number of TV shows including "Child Genius."

Before joining Mind Tools, Jonathan spent a decade in education, as a teacher and eventually a headteacher. He's also an experienced broadcaster and event host, following 15 years working as a presenter and producer for the BBC.

The post Digging Into Conflict: How to "Play Nice" at Work appeared first on Mind Tools.

How we make others feel when they are in our presence is a valuable leadership trait. In psychology, this trait has been called "affective presence." Leaders with a positive affective presence show they care and are skilled at connecting with those around them. Care and connection are the bedrock of success in a leadership role. This article explores the concept of affective presence, its significance, and strategies for developing a positive affective presence to bolster your leadership influence.

What Is Affective Presence?

The term "affective presence" was first used by psychologists Noah Eisenkraft and Hillary Anger Elfenbein in a 2010 study. According to their findings, some individuals exert a palpable emotional influence that can either make others feel at ease, or uneasy.

As they explain, affective presence refers to how we make other people feel just by being around them, regardless of our own emotions or intentions. It's an overall, lasting effect we leave on others.

There's both a negative and a positive affective presence. For example, one person may inspire excitement in the people around them. In contrast, another tends to cause their peers to feel anxious. In other words, one typically energizes people while the other stresses them out.

Affective presence is attributed to an individual's ability to manage and communicate emotions effectively. When investigating what distinguishes people who elicit a more positive or negative affect than others, researchers point to differences in expressive styles, such as aggressive and competitive versus kind and warm.

4 Reasons Why Affective Presence Is Important

Eisenkraft's and Elfenbein's study, among other research, suggests that affective presence can have significant social consequences:

1. People who elicit positive affect are more popular among their peers. Conversely, individuals who evoke negative emotions in their colleagues are more likely to be the targets of counterproductive workplace behaviors, such as rudeness and taunting.
2. Research reveals that leaders who make other people feel good by their presence have teams that are better at sharing information, which leads to more innovation. Team leaders with a negative affective presence have the opposite effect on their teams' information sharing and innovation.
3. Similarly, a different study also found that leaders with a positive affective presence encourage teams to communicate their creative ideas. Specifically, when a team leader had a higher positive affective presence, withholding of ideas was less likely in meetings where team members generated creative ideas.
4. Finally, researchers found that leaders' positive affective presence boosts the motivation and performance of hospitality service employees, who often work long hours with low pay and tight schedules, which can result in burnout. Service employees must possess high energy and enthusiasm to present customers with a friendly and welcoming demeanor. In this environment, the study says, "leaders' positive affective presence sends an important signal that leaders care about their employees' wellbeing and acts as fuel to fire employees' energy toward work."

How to Strengthen Your Positive Affective Presence

A positive or negative affective presence means you impact those in your presence. Cultivating a positive affective presence requires a deliberate and conscious decision to interact with others in a positive manner – it's a choice we must make daily until it becomes part of who we are and how we present ourselves.

Here are several strategies for creating a positive affective presence:

Develop Self-Awareness

You cannot fix what you don't understand. Self-awareness is the first step toward effective self-management. People who know themselves can better manage their emotions and positively interact with others.

You can increase your self-awareness in many ways. To name a few:

• Understand your emotional triggers. What sets you off emotionally? Who are the people who get under your skin? These situations or people might cause you to have a negative affective presence.
• Don't repress your emotions or deny the factors or people contributing to them. Instead, think about how you will manage your emotions before speaking to others.
• Pay attention to your emotions as they occur. For example, do you ever notice yourself becoming combative, annoyed, angry, or competitive? Awareness will help you manage these reactions more effectively, so you don't act impulsively.

Tune in to Others

Recognizing your feelings is an essential step toward developing self-awareness, but so is understanding how your responses to those feelings affect the people around you. Try redirecting your focus away from you and toward other people to better manage your emotions, moods and behaviors.

For example, before an important meeting, ask yourself:

• What might people need from you in the moment? Perhaps they need support or reassurance during a corporate transition. Or they may need a safe and non-judgmental environment to express their anxieties or dissatisfaction without concern for rebuke or rejection.
• What impact do you want to make on others when you enter a room? Most people are quick to pick up emotional cues that might affect them. Don't leave this to chance by deciding how you want to show up.
• What is the emotional footprint you are hoping to leave behind? Whatever feeling you want to instill in others, you need to feel it yourself. For example, you must project calmness yourself if you want people to feel that way.

Exercise Self-Discipline

How do you feel about the people you're interacting with? People have a knack for sensing your thoughts about them and will respond accordingly.

To shift to a positive frame of mind about the people you're meeting, consider the qualities you may value in them and any acts of kindness or goodwill you've experienced with them. This reflection might change your perspective and help soften your stance.

At all times, take the high road and treat people with respect. A survey of over 800,000 people in 158 countries shows that being treated with respect is the strongest predictor of positive feelings.

You may experience instances of irritation, frustration or impatience throughout the day. The question is, says Elfenbein in an interview with Julie Beck, "Can you regulate yourself so those blips don't infect other people? Can you smooth over the noise in your life so other people aren't affected?"

In short, are you good company? For example, imagine a coworker who consistently remains calm and composed during stressful situations at work. They can manage their emotions, defuse tension, and create a positive environment for their coworkers. As a result, their presence becomes highly sought after and they are seen as someone who brings comfort and ease to those around them.

Consider that you will likely work with your colleagues for a long time, so take the long view. You can better control your emotions by keeping a long-term relationship in mind.

And no matter how you feel about your peers, think about how your words and actions might impact other people's lives.

Recommended Reading

Find out more about developing affective presence with our recommended resources:

Developing Self-Awareness
Emotional Intelligence
Self-Discipline
Mutual Respect
Creating an Energizing Work Environment
How to Make "High-Quality Connections"

About the Author:

Regular guest author Bruna Martinuzzi is an educator, author and speaker specializing in emotional intelligence, leadership, communication, and presentation-skills training.

The post Affective Presence: How to Stop Draining Your People and Energize Them Instead! appeared first on Mind Tools.

But it's true, particularly when I'm talking in person. When it comes to some of the most difficult conversations I've had in my life, I could and should have done a lot better.

Feeling Lost for Words

Take when my friend Pete got in touch to tell me that his cancer was back. I stammered some platitudes about always having hope. About being strong. You know the sort of thing. What I simply couldn't do was ask him how he felt. And I've known him for over 30 years.

Or there's my younger son, who's traveling the world at the moment. He's about as different from me as you could imagine – articulate, contentious and outgoing. I miss him, a lot.

And I'm scared. It's a big world and not everyone in it has his best interests at heart. When he messages us to say that he's staying with some guys he met in a club, I visualize situations I can only look at through my fingers.

Some days I just go and sit in his room. I riffle through his vinyl record collection, finding stuff I've given him, and thinking about the tracks he's recommended to me. Things we've shared.

But when I pick him up from the airport, will I be able to tell him that? Will I be able to tell him about the fear? I doubt it. He won't want to hear it, and I won't make a very good job of the explanation. Best that I leave it.

Mad, Sad or Glad?

When professor Brené Brown was conducting research into the language of feeling, she asked people to keep a record of the changing emotions they experienced.

She analyzed responses from around 7,000 people. The vast majority could label just three emotions: anger, sadness and happiness.

For Brown, this lies at the heart of a widespread crisis of emotional communication. We can't talk properly about how we're feeling if we can't name and describe our feelings. So she set out to write a book to help. It's called "Atlas of the Heart."

What Hidden Feeling Lies Beneath

This book does a bit better than naming three emotions. In fact, it isolates and defines 87 of them. And most of them, most of the time, are feelings we don't understand.

Think about anger. Those outbursts of incoherent rage are usually just superficial. There's a whole bunch of contributory emotions swirling beneath the surface. Fear, shame, betrayal.

But we can only identify the anger. And without being able to understand exactly what we're feeling and why, we'll likely always struggle to do anything about it.

Terms of Engagement

There's a refreshing clarity to this book. I'd never really thought about the difference between empathy and sympathy, for example. I'd probably have had them down as near-synonyms. But Brown's distinction is precise.

Empathy is an emotional skill that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing, and to reflect it back. It emphasizes closeness and engagement. By contrast, sympathy says, "I feel sorry for you," but with separation and distance. It says, "I'm sad, but I'm glad it's not me."

In Search of Meaningful Connection

"Atlas of the Heart" is full of this kind of acute observation. It's a reference book for anyone who struggles to understand how they're feeling or to put it into words.

And Brown spells out a larger project in the book's subtitle, "Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience." This book isn't just a glossary of terms. That idea of meaningful connection is vital.

It's great to know the difference between empathy and sympathy, for example, but more important to know how to be empathic. Learning the language is just one step. Speaking it daily is the vital part.

Because if we don't properly understand ourselves, or each other, how are we ever going to get along?

Download Our "Atlas of the Heart" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio downloads.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Club member or corporate user, download or stream the "Atlas of the Heart" Book Insight review now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

How well do you understand your own emotions? What words do you use to describe them? Let us know in the comments, below.

The post How Am I Feeling? It's Hard to Say appeared first on Mind Tools.

In fact, she's been the treasurer for this, and the secretary for that, across a whole bunch of initiatives and organizations, throughout her adult life.

Here's a couple things about Sam. One, she's calm. Always. In a friendship now in its fourth decade, I have literally never heard her raise her voice in anger. This despite many provocations (often by me). She negotiates and persuades like a pro, but she never, ever, loses it.

What Listening Means

The other is that she listens. Really listens. We shoot the breeze like any other old friends do. But when the conversation turns serious – as it easily can between two people who trust each other – she changes.

Suddenly, I have the whole of her attention. She maintains eye contact, waits until I've finished what I'm saying, then summarizes what I've just said. And then she helps me find a way to sort my life out.

Learning to Listen

Truth be told, she unnerves me, even after all these years. Because as talents go, her ability to listen actively, almost forensically, is much rarer than it really ought to be. And I don't encounter it enough.

I thought of Sam when reading "How to Listen: Tools for Opening up Conversations When It Matters Most," by Katie Columbus and The Samaritans. The Samaritans are a U.K. charity specializing in providing emotional support to people contemplating suicide. If any organization knows the importance of effective listening, it's them.

And the good news from the book is that you don't have to be a naturally good listener, like Sam. We can all learn how to listen – and understand – better.

Knowing When to SHUSH

So what's the trick? Well, there isn't one. Not an easy one, anyway. In fact, important conversations often founder because the person who should be listening is too eager to intervene and "fix things."

Instead the book lays out five key principles involved in listening well: Show you care, Have patience, Use open questions, Say it back, and Have courage. The acronym drawn from these principles – SHUSH – may seem a little forced. But it does no harm to remember that being quiet often does more to open up a difficult conversation than anything else.

Why Listening Matters

For sure, not everyone will find themselves having a conversation with life-or-death consequences, as the Samaritans do. But even in less-testing situations, a book like this can be a big help.

Years ago, I was let go by a multinational corporation. The manager who delivered the news did so while checking his phone. As I haltingly began to ask the first of my many questions, his attention wandered to the traffic outside the office.

Not everyone finds emotional intelligence easy or natural. But at that moment, all I wanted was to be listened to, for five minutes. It wouldn't have changed a thing. I'd still have been out of a job. But I might at least have left the place thinking that I'd been valued.

And that's why this book is worth reading. It shows you what to do to build trust, to make a difference, and show you care. And in a world in which human connection suddenly seems much more important, those skills are vital.

Download Our "How to Listen" Book Insight

Mind Tools reviews the best new business and self-development books, alongside the tested classics, in its monthly Book Insight for the Mind Tools Club. So, if you're a Club member or enterprise licensee, you can download or stream the full "How to Listen" Book Insight in text or audio format.

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to all 2,400+ resources, including approximately 400 Book Insights. For a corporate solution, take a look at our Mind Tools for Business site.

How do you "actively" listen? What are good examples of it? How did being listened to – or not – make a difference in your life? Join the discussion below and let us know!

The post Why Listening Should Be Top of Our Lists appeared first on Mind Tools.

Now, as the clock hits four o'clock, I simply close my computer, and sift through my phone to kill time until "Zoom drinks" at eight. 

Being able to work from home has been invaluable during the pandemic. But after all this time I can feel myself itching to get back to the office. To experience a morsel of that busy lifestyle I used to complain so much about. To talk to real-life people instead of my houseplants, and to experience the energy of a bustling office rather than the solitude of my tiny apartment. 

But I'm afraid that all these months away may have cost me valuable social skills, and potentially damaged my work relationships beyond repair. Have I forgotten how to interact meaningfully with my peers? And even worse, is it too late to reconnect? 

Losing Touch 

Before the pandemic, I knew just about everyone I worked with. Even if our roles didn't cross over, I'd have at least sat down for a coffee, or exchanged TV show recommendations with everyone at least once. 

Now my colleagues appear as a collection of pixels on my screen, and I feel like I've lost touch. People have left, new starters have joined, and I no longer have a clear picture of the wider team I work in. I fear that the office will be unrecognizable, and so will the faces inside it. 

Reconnecting? Be Patient 

In reality, most of my co-workers likely feel the exact same way. Working in a pandemic has been a steep and unexpected learning curve for everyone, so it’s important to be patient with ourselves and one another. 

Don't be afraid to introduce yourself to those who may not have met you in the outside world. Run icebreaker sessions to get to know one another again. Conversations may be stilted or awkward at first, but give it time. 

Everyone will need to reintegrate into the daily routine, so don't be afraid to set boundaries and give one another space. 

Treat Others With Kindness

According to Mind Tools' Expert Interview guests, it's important that we work with kindness and compassion. People will have mixed feelings about returning to the office. Some will be eager to "get back to normal," while others may be anxious about the potential risks. 

Emotions may be running high so be respectful of your colleagues' concerns. Where appropriate, lend a helping hand or offer a comforting word.  

Stay in the Moment When Reconnecting

Daniel Goleman – a leading voice in emotional intelligence – believes that taking time to "stay present" is key to reconnecting with others. He said, "Look at your priorities in the day. Do you make time for yourself? Do you make time to reflect?" Checking in on yourself and cutting out distractions will not only help to minimize feelings of anxiety or worry, but also make you more approachable to your peers. 

This sentiment was echoed by Stanford University’s Emma Seppala who believes that being present and compassionate with others is essential to "human connection" and building better relationships. 

"Treat Ourselves as We Would Treat Others" 

Author Tal Ben-Shahar asserts that to build empathetic connections with others, we first need to treat ourselves with the same kindness. 

He said, "Would we be very harsh on a person if they stumbled in a speech? Would we be extremely hard on a person if they didn't get it right the first time? Of course not. So why treat ourselves using different standards?" 

So, cut yourself some slack and don't beat yourself up if it takes you longer to assimilate into the "new normal" than you'd like. 

Lessons From Expert Voices

Mind Tools Expert Voices is our new podcast series where we delve into the archive of our 200+ Expert Interviews to find the insights that we need now. 

In episode two, "Reconnecting After COVID," my colleague Rachel Salaman takes us through some of the most useful wisdom she's gathered from her interviewees over the years, introducing clips from her chats with Dr Srikumar Rao, Daniel Goleman, Emma Seppala, Tal Ben-Shahar, and more.  

Listen to the Second Episode of Mind Tools Expert Voices 

In the snippet of our new Expert Voices podcast, below, our guests discuss why empathy and kindness are key to rebuilding relationships.

You can listen to the full Expert Voices podcast now.

If you're not a Mind Tools member, you can join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including a range of audio features. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.  

How are you feeling about life after lockdown? Has the pandemic taken its toll on your positivity and passion? Share your experiences and tips, below.

The post Reconnecting After COVID – Mind Tools Expert Voices appeared first on Mind Tools.

After all, many of us have become accustomed to working in isolation and communicating virtually, and some of us have found blissful freedom and silence working from home (WFH). But using emotional intelligence can help us establish a sense of control when faced with emotional turbulence.  

So, let us explore the four pillars of emotional intelligence and how they can help us cope when we’re back in the office. The four pillars are Self-awareness, Self-Management (or Self-Regulation), Awareness of Others (or Empathy), and Relationship Management. 

Return to Work with Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. The knowledge you gain when you boost your self-awareness empowers you to grow and make better choices. 

Audit Your Habits

Think of some of the habits you acquired WFH and ask yourself what you may need to change.  

For example, you may have become used to multi-tasking when you video chat or attend Zoom meetings. Once you are in the office and physically with other humans, this habit may hinder your ability to re-establish rapport with them. Break that distracting habit and remind yourself to be fully present during events where there are others.  

Moving away from self-absorption to notice and support others in your work entourage will help you control negative messages you may unwittingly send to others.

Pay Attention to Your Anxiety Barometer 

It is natural to be anxious about returning to work during the virus’s ongoing health threat, but we all respond to anxiety differently.  

While we might not be able to quickly calm our anxiety, it helps to understand the physiological manifestations of your anxiety so that you can restore equilibrium. Some people may become restless or experience muscle tension. Others may tire easily or experience insomnia.  

Raising your awareness can prompt you to pay more attention to self-care, such as trying relaxation techniques and making sleep a priority. 

Self-Management Back in the Office 

Carve Out Some Alone Time 

One of the things you may have discovered (or reconfirmed) when WFH is how much you love being by yourself. Suddenly being surrounded by others for an entire workday may increase your stress level. Knowing this, you should consider giving yourself little breaks during the day.  

For example, you can use your breaks to stroll outside. You can also change your starting time: if it’s permitted, start earlier when the office is likely to be less populated. Or shift your hours to work later when most people have left the office. If you have the luxury of closing your door for parts of your day, do so. Or try a good noise cancellation headset that helps you tune out the din of the crowd. 

Do an Irritation Inventory 

Based on your past experiences at work, list the things that people do that irritate you. Then, consider how you might cope when you encounter these behaviors once again.  

For example, think about who bothers you. How could you respond to that person more effectively when you go back? For one thing, decide that you will practice self-control by minimizing your reactions or diffusing a difficult conversation with that person. You want to prime yourself not to allow that person to get under your skin. Also, prepare for a graceful exit. 

Don’t lose the tranquility and serenity you gained WFH all these months by allowing circumstances at work to drain your energy all over again.

Returning to Work With Awareness of Others

Awareness of others is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence and demonstrates a capacity to care for others. Interpersonal awareness is crucial in these emotionally disruptive times when people need to feel seen, heard and cared for. 
 

Give Your Empathy a Boost 

If you are leading others, stop for a moment to consider the effect that summoning employees back to their cubicles might have on them. A sudden change in routine might be incredibly stressful for some employees.  

Case in point: I am helping a client right now who is struggling with her company’s mandate to bring people back to work immediately. “I spent a few months,” she said, “getting into a routine for WFH. It’s become my way of life. Now I need to get used to a different routine.” That new routine includes finding childcare, getting up much earlier, handling a long commute to work, and generally dealing with a lot more stimuli, which can easily lead to a kind of sensory overload. 

The same client also bemoaned losing some of the benefits of WFH: time to squeeze in some workouts, enjoying a little more time with her children, and saving commuting money.  

As a leader, consider that coming back to work after such a long period of isolation is a mental process as much as a physical one for your people. Being aware of this, you may be more understanding and patient, and give people more time to find their new equilibrium. 

Pay Attention to Others’ Emotions 

Familiarize yourself with the warning signs of emotional stress. While we are all facing the same pandemic threat, not everyone struggles with the same circumstances. People will return to work with different concerns.  

For example, some may not be comfortable being around others in closed quarters or having to share their daily temperature. Some may worry about the children’s reactions to separating from their parents. Others may have a spouse or offspring who lost their job. Yet others may have limited resources or support at home. 

If you pay attention to people, you can learn to pick up on signs of distress. For example, some individuals may be uncharacteristically short-tempered; others may express their feelings with sarcasm. Some may be overly self-critical. Another sign of distress is when people go very quiet and hide their tension by becoming remote. Yet others may resort to rapid talking when they are apprehensive. 

Relationship Management Back at Work 

Relationship management is at the heart of emotional intelligence. It’s easy to neglect the relational aspect of working during a time of crisis. Much as Zoom and other virtual platforms help us stay in touch, you don’t build rapport communicating with an audience of computers.  

Establish a Sense of Community

WFH may have eroded the team camaraderie that comes from “rubbing shoulders” with people daily, so make relationship-building a priority when your workplace reopens.  

Think of the people you need to reconnect with on a human level, whether it’s your manager, direct reports, colleagues, clients, or vendors. Schedule some relationship-building activities in your calendar.  

If you have leadership or management responsibilities, try to establish a sense of community right up-front and show that you genuinely care for peoples’ well-being. You can do this by checking in with everyone more often than you might typically do. Ask them how they are doing. Ask them about their families. Are there any challenges at home that are overburdening them right now? 

A former colleague of mine mentioned how touched she was that her manager remembered her pet’s name. Knowing how much she loves her Labrador, he asked how it was doing. I would hazard to say that her busy manager is a person with enhanced emotional intelligence! No doubt, he had taken the time to note the pet’s name at some point. 

Create Psychological Safety 

We all need to feel emotionally safe to voice our anxieties and to ask for support, and managers can take the lead. Consider, what obstacles can you remove to make your team’s transition easier? Remind people of any well-being resources your company offers or other support you are aware of. 

People may worry about the simplest things. For example, a coaching client of mine, who wants to continue to avoid hair salons during the pandemic, confided that she is self-conscious about getting back to the office as her hair has turned gray and is not trimmed. 

Make it known that it is OK not to be perfect. In these rapidly changing times, perfection is a moving target. People may work with incomplete information and unanticipated delays. Be patient and aim for expediency and practicality rather than perfection.  

You can be sure that everyone will remember how their manager treated them in the difficult first few weeks after returning to work. 

In the Workplace, Be Prepared, Be Kind

The mental health impacts of COVID will continue to be significant long after we’re back with our co-workers.  

Be sure to leverage any peace and calm you enjoyed WFH to strengthen your own resilience. And tap into your emotional intelligence to be understanding and empathetic with other people. No matter how pressure-filled your first days back might be, soften your approach to others – anxiety will be running high. 

Putting it simply, be nice to yourself and to your fellow humans. 

Bruna Martinuzzi is a coach, trainer, author, and frequent contributor to Mind Tools, based in Vancouver, Canada.  

Have you been working from home during COVID? Are you concerned about returning to work? Are you wondering how your team will react? Feel free to share your experiences and thoughts in the comments section, below.

The post Back to the Office? Bring Your Emotional Intelligence appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Our best friend and our worst enemy reside within us."

Have you ever listened to a young child talking to themselves out loud? It's fascinating to listen to them use self-talk in order to make sense of the world around them.

Self-talk is a mechanism that we all adopt at a young age in order to understand our environment and experiences. But how does our inner dialogue change over time, and what effect does this have on our actions and relationships with others?

Private Speech

The Russian psychologist, Lev Vygotsky, theorized in the early 1900s that private speech is the forerunner of inner dialogue.

Private speech is typically observed in children between two and seven years of age. Although it's called "private speech," it is spoken out loud as the child communicates with themselves.

Through his research, Vygotsky was the first to notice that children used private speech to guide themselves and regulate their behavior. Many of us will have heard a young child comforting themselves using language that mimics a parent or caregiver. That's the child using private speech to regulate their emotions.

Although Jean Piaget, another pioneer researcher of private speech, thought that this type of speech eventually developed into fully mature speech, Vygotsky believed differently. He said that audible private speech goes "underground" around the age of seven; and, instead of talking aloud, a child starts using inner speech – and that continues all the way through life.

As adults, our self-talk (also called inner speech or internal dialogue) is ever-present – whether we're aware of it or not.

Optimists tend to have more positive inner dialogue, while the opposite is true for pessimists. The tone of your self-talk can therefore discourage or motivate, distress or comfort, help or hinder.

Tuning In

Imagine that your mind is a radio station. In order to cut out the white noise and hear your self-talk clearly, you need to tune in to the constant stream of dialogue in your mind. What are you saying about yourself and others? Do you like what you're hearing? Is it a pleasant "station" to listen to?

Keep Self-Talk in Check!

One of my friends, Sarah, is a business owner. She had to fire one of her favorite employees last year because they committed theft.

Shortly afterward, she appointed a new employee called Betty. Betty is very competent and a fast worker, but Sarah didn't much like her as a person.

Over the months, I could "hear" the negative chatter going on in Sarah's mind through what she told me. One day we were drinking coffee and I asked her what she told herself about Betty.

As our conversation unfolded, and Sarah started unpicking her inner dialogue, she realized that her self-talk was negatively influencing her thoughts and actions, without much reason.

She made a decision to change what she said to herself about Betty. As soon as Sarah adjusted her self-talk, she became more accepting of Betty, and subsequently made a bigger effort to train and coach her. And now, someone who was simply the "new" employee is fast becoming Sarah's right hand in the business!

In this instance, the "radio station" playing in Sarah's head was a hindrance to her working relationship.

You Hear Everything You Say

There's one person who hears everything you say aloud and in your head: you.

If your self-talk is positive, it can help you to deal with difficult situations in a constructive and helpful manner. If your self-talk is mostly negative, even the smallest problems can feel overwhelming.

Contrary to what people often believe, you can control your self-talk. If you're used to talking to yourself in a certain way or tone, it will become a mental reflex. But, by becoming more self-aware, you can develop more positive self-talk.

Does Self-Talk Help or Hinder?

During our #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we explored how self-talk could help or hinder us. Here are the questions we asked and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. Why do you need to be aware of your self-talk if only you can hear it?

@WyleWrites This helps to avoid body language that can disrupt others who are not part of the conversation with yourself.

@carriemaslen Your self-talk comes through loud and clear through your actions and how you treat others.

Q2. When has self-talk not served you well? What was the result?

@DhongdeSupriya Many times! When my self-talk is engulfed in beliefs, biases and it restricts me to take that required risk!

@JKatzaman Self-talk can make a perceived bad situation worse as you run through and start believing all worst-case scenarios. Then you feel relieved or foolish after you let yourself feed on yourself for nought.

Q3. What is the tone/persona of the voice that dominates your self-talk?

@Chetna1806 It's analytical in nature. The tone depends on the concern. And the funny part is one [that] can be humorous too.

@PG_pmp It depends on the type of thoughts going on inside... the impact of the outside world.

Q4. How do you determine when you need to change your self-talk?

@shamikv I can't, unless I elevate my consciousness level. Most of the time it acts as a counterweight to emotions.

@BRAVOMedia1 Sometimes we can be our own worst critic. It is time to change the self-talk when it is harming one's self or others. And I know this can be challenging when life feels overwhelming. Then I remember the words of my greatest teacher: "keep moving!"

Q5. What strategies have you used to change your self-talk?

@MarkC_Avgi Fortunately, my self-talk has seldom been self-berating, which I know is often common with many. Many years ago, I was "in that place" but realized that it was doing me more harm than good so, anytime I begin to do it again, I remember those times and stop.

@NWarind Change the mode of conversation from me-only to include others as well.

Q6. How can self-talk influence your relationships?

@LeadershipBEST The quality of the relationship with the person you self-talk about will be the same as the quality of the self-talk about them. If you talk badly about them to yourself, all nice around them, it will be a phoney relationship.

@Midgie_MT If the self-talk is negative, it will influence how you interact with others and what "stories" you tell yourself about the relationship (be that a professional or personal one).

Q7. How do self-respect and self-talk feed into one another?

@Yolande_MT The less you like yourself, the more you criticize others. Respect for others starts with self-respect. How I talk to myself sets the scene for how I talk to others.

@MicheleDD_MT Self-respect creates high self-esteem. It generates positive self-talk. You are less likely to question the intention of others. It creates a force field around you. Actions of others cannot penetrate the shield.

Q8. What helps you to keep the self-talk positive?

@LeadershipBEST When we learn to filter our own self-talk through the filter of THINK – is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, Kind – it gives us perspective. And if it doesn't meet those criteria, it probably isn't positive... and we don't have time for that!

@emotivefit It is all about momentum from my experience. If momentum is good then ST (self-talk) is positive. If momentum is a struggle, which influences motivation, then ST is negative.

Q9. When does positive self-talk become a hindrance?

@carriemaslen Positive self-talk is non-productive when it's not based in reality. Self-esteem comes from accomplishments & results, not empty words.

@kiranvarri When it's all positive self-talk and no action!

Q10. In what ways might you help a colleague or friend to change their negative self-talk?

@Mphete_Kwetli Help them to "recharge their battery" by reminding them of small wins.

@JKatzaman Change another person's, as well as your own self-talk by having conversations. Give inner voices something to think about from outside their echo chambers.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat, here.

Coming Up

Your self-talk has a big influence on how you feel and think about yourself. In our next #MTtalk we're going to discuss the habit of gratitude. In our poll this week, we'd like to know which effect of habitual gratitude you have experienced most strongly. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources relating to the topic we discussed this week:

Self-Mastery

Self-Sabotage

Journaling for Professional Development

The Power of Good Habits

Working With People You Don't Like

Boosting Your Self-Esteem

Developing Self-Awareness

Are You a Positive or Negative Thinker?

Cognitive Restructuring

The ABC Technique

How Self-Confident Are You?

Impostor Syndrome

How Resilient Are You?

Dealing With Anxiety

The PERMA Model

The post Does Self-Talk Help or Hinder? – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Some of them dazzled me with their power and status, their color and charisma. Others seemed ordinary, distinctly black and white.

Back then, I got a buzz from hanging around VIPs. Perhaps I thought their importance would rub off on me and boost my fragile ego. Years on, after a long personal development journey, during which I have grown in self-esteem and transformed my career, I now find myself in a leadership role of sorts.

I coach clients who are struggling with unhealthy relationships, low confidence, or self-neglect. And, as the host of women's personal growth retreats, theories on leadership have taken on a new importance. Which is why some of the points in "Leading Beyond the Ego," by John Knights, Danielle Grant and Greg Young, caught my eye.

Leading for the Greater Good

When leading a women's circle, there's a part of me that wants to shine, that wants to be seen as doing an excellent job. There's a part of me that longs for glowing reviews and shout-outs on social media.

But this part of me is my ego – and it's not a healthy guide. If I let my ego run the show, I'm heading for trouble. One bit of negative feedback and I'm knocked off my perch. One dissatisfied customer and I want to jack in my coaching and return to my first career.

This, though, wouldn't benefit anyone. The key is to approach my work from a different place – a place beyond the ego. A place where I know that I am using my gifts and talents for the greater good, finding purpose in my past pain, and being of service to those who struggle.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

How do I get to this place? I think the authors are spot on when they talk about transpersonal leadership arising from the sweet spot between rational intelligence, emotional intelligence, and spiritual intelligence.

I don't recall ever testing my IQ but I succeeded at school, at university and in my journalism career, so I must have a reasonable intellect.

When it comes to emotional intelligence, I know that I've always had plenty of it. However, it was buried for years.

Starting in my teens, I deliberately disconnected from my emotions. I used various crutches to numb how I was feeling, from excess food to compulsive work.

My relationship with myself was messed up, so I wasn't great at communicating with others. I lacked empathy for myself, too, so I struggled to feel empathy for others.

Intuition and Creativity

I'm pleased to say that all that has changed, thanks to many years of healing. I am now back in touch with my emotions and able to tap into my intuition and creativity. I feel my feelings and I process them – often before deciding how to act. This can be extremely helpful when in a leadership role, as this book points out.

My emotional intelligence makes me an effective coach. I am able to tune into others' emotions. In fact, one of my strengths is my ability to sense that a client has buried feelings and help him or her to to bring them to the surface so that they can begin to heal.

And then there's the third piece of the puzzle: spiritual intelligence. I have written and spoken about spirituality often. But, as the authors note, it can be a tricky topic.

That's why the phrase spiritual intelligence is such a good one. To me, it denotes a connection to my inner wisdom, to the truest, most authentic part of myself; to the woman I was born to be.

Leadership and Authenticity

And when I operate from this place, everyone benefits. By serving my truest purpose, I can have the biggest impact.

My leadership journey is in its infancy and my work remains on a small scale. But this book has reminded me that I'm on the right track and that the more I move beyond the ego, the more effective I'll be.

Perhaps I rubbed shoulders with leaders for so many years because I knew that there was a leader inside me. But I was too scared to allow her out.

Now I know that we don't have to be scared. What can go wrong when we strive to be the truest, most authentic versions of ourselves?

Download our "Leading Beyond the Ego" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio downloads.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Premium Club member or corporate user, download or stream the "Leading Beyond the Ego" Book Insight now.

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate membership, ask for a demo with one of our team.

What's your take on leading beyond the ego? Join the discussion below!

The post Leading Beyond the Ego: Putting Others First appeared first on Mind Tools.

My producer was young and dynamic, and my inner "you're not good enough" voice kicked in with a vengeance. Yet, from the get-go, Alexis believed in my ability to succeed.

He encouraged me, showed constant optimism, and gave me tips for improving my interview technique. But what he never did was take over, even when I made mistakes.

Alexis's confidence in my ability has bolstered me to this day. Now, after reading Jerry Toomer's new book, "The Catalyst Effect: 12 Skills and Behaviors to Boost Your Impact and Elevate Team Performance," I recognize that Alexis was a catalyst.

He showed me that anyone, in any position within an organization, can use leadership qualities to inspire others to produce their best work.

Empower Your People

Like those unassuming materials in science that serve only to accelerate a reaction in others, Alexis didn't seek the limelight for himself.

Instead, he unselfishly gave me the benefit of his commitment and expertise. He allowed me to make and correct my own mistakes. In doing so, he empowered me to become a better journalist.

Alexis's enthusiasm and "can-do" attitude were contagious. He inspired me to believe wholeheartedly in my project – work that I still consider to be one of my best pieces of journalism.

Since then, I've monitored my own positivity. Whether I'm pitching for work, teaching, or at home with family, I know that enthusiasm and optimism create the sparks that fire brilliant outcomes.

Opportunities for Learning

My brother calls me "Miss Curious." I drive him mad with my constant questions. But that's another characteristic of catalytic behavior.

Catalysts are innately curious. They see opportunities for learning everywhere. Not just in formal training, but in everyday work and life.

This "hunger to know" means that catalysts continually upgrade their knowledge and skills, which they then share with others. So my curiosity isn't such a bad thing after all!

Own Your Achievements

From 30 years of teaching, I've also learned that "spoon-feeding" holds people back in the long term. So it's great to have this confirmed by the authors' research.

Guiding, enabling, facilitating – as a parent, leader or trainer – empowers the person who's learning. Crucially, though, learners must do the work themselves and "own" their achievement. Doing that means you'll carry this confidence into your next challenge.

Another fundamental aspect of the catalyst effect is recognizing the impact that we have on others. Catalysts excel at identifying and sharing their emotions, as well as reading other people's feelings. They are also known for showing empathy. This helps them to gain credibility and make meaningful connections.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

To be honest, I'm not very good at emotional intelligence. I tend to think that others feel the same way as I do about a situation. But I'm taking on board Daniel Goleman's belief that only through self-awareness can we start to understand other people's feelings and make the connections we need.

So recognizing what you need to do to increase your empathy is a good start. It can be quite comforting to float along in the same routine, working toward familiar goals. That's fine.

But, if you're like me, you're always seeking new challenges, different goals, striving to achieve more. However, this can be very tiring, and I have to rein myself in sometimes to prevent burnout.

From "The Catalyst Effect," I've learned to choose carefully how I spend my time and energy. Mainly by asking myself questions like: how is what I'm doing getting me closer to my overall objective?

The Road to Success

This has led to me drop some social media. It was time-consuming and showed little return. Instead, I'm focusing on attending a writing group, where I learn new skills and get valuable feedback.

Some might say it's a no-brainer that people with focus, optimism, belief in others, and enthusiasm have a positive effect on everyone.

I agree. Of course, though, it's not as easy in practice as it sounds. We all have times when we lose our way. Like when we don't want to work with someone we find difficult, or we can't seem to find our motivation.

But this book provides a road map to becoming a catalyst every single day – even when the going gets tough. After all, the road to success is always under construction.

Buy the Book or Download Our Review

If you want to read more of "The Catalyst Effect" for yourself, you can buy the ebook from the Mind Tools store.

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insight for the Mind Tools Club.

If you're a Club member or enterprise licensee, you can download or stream the "The Catalyst Effect" Book Insight review in text or audio format.

And if you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to all 2,400+ resources, including approximately 400 Book Insights. For a corporate solution, take a look at our Mind Tools for Business site.

What's your take on The Catalyst Effect? Join the discussion below!

The post The Catalyst Effect: Lighting a Spark of Self-Belief appeared first on Mind Tools.

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

My core group of friends and I go back about 20 years and, reasonably enough, we liked to think that we knew one another. Inside out. Recently, though, we discovered the awful truth…

We met at elementary school, grew up together, and shared a strong identity as part of the Asian community in our town. Eventually, we all made it from excitable adolescents to more mature young men. And, somehow, we managed to stay close – despite our various sporting allegiances! 

And, until a few months ago, our conversation rarely strayed from the latest football scores and standard everyday “lad chat.” 

That was despite the fact that over the decades, some of us moved away. Some got married and started families. Some of us set up our own businesses, too. But our conversations never evolved along with us.

Toxic Masculinity, No Friend to Men 

We never addressed anything important that was going on in our lives. We certainly never touched on any real emotions. This all changed in the past year, when one of the group suffered a very painful time, one that he didn't feel able to share. Rather than opening up to us, he brushed his pain under the rug.  

We all told him that we were there for him, and encouraged him to talk about how he was feeling. I’d only recently lost someone myself, and I thought that talking would make it easier for him. He, though, was determined to keep quiet and carry on. Alone. 

This was a real eye-opener for the group. How could someone who we had shared so much of our lives with, not be able to talk to us when he needed us the most? 

It was this that made us see the truth: that we had been conditioned as “guys” to not talk about our fears, pains or troubles. We quickly realized it was an approach that was not doing us any good. Which is exactly why we decided to address it. 

We wanted to start discussing all those topics we’d never dared to before. We wanted to work out how we could avoid the trap of “toxic masculinity” in the future – especially the belief that we should never ask for help. 

"Man Up" No Answer to Man Down

So, how could we let go of our inhibitions and speak from the heart? Then one of the group shared a video from YouTube: Why I'm done trying to be "man enough," by Justin Baldoni. It nailed toxic masculinity and just how we were all feeling. Suddenly, our WhatsApp group was buzzing. 

Next time we met, we began to admit the pressure we were all under, all of the time. Not just to earn, to provide, to succeed – but to be brilliant, exceptional, to be always acing it.

We laughed together at the cultural stereotype, but we knew this was layered on top of something even more fundamental. We’d each kept up a façade all our lives to create the illusion of the acceptable alpha male. It had been a rule that we should “man up,” even with one another. Now we were giving ourselves permission to break that rule. 

The result was amazing. It turned out that a lot of us were holding back information, afraid of being laughed at. For once, instead of talking about sports, we were talking about real life. It was like a weight off our shoulders. 

Men's Liberation 

And our bereaved friend joined in. We hadn’t bullied him into talking, or made him the center of the discussion. Instead, he’d discovered he was no different from the rest of us. And, like the rest of us, he felt liberated that we could, after all, have this conversation. 

We wanted more! So we agreed to meet again, to repeat the experience, and now it’s a monthly event. We’ve looked at subjects as diverse as the marketing of male grooming, and the pressures it creates to compete and consume. And one of the group revealed that he has kept his dyslexia a secret all his life. 

Our events are called “Mandem Linkup,” a tongue-in-cheek reference to the hardened street persona most from our area try to live up to. Now we have between five and 12 of us meeting every time. 

We’ve kept the meetings informal but there are some rules to help keep us safe. No one shares other people’s personal stuff outside of the group, and everyone gets a turn to pick the topic. There’s no obligation to speak, and some people never do. But they listen and support the rest of us with their presence. 

Understanding Masculinity

We hold the meetings wherever we feel comfortable, in public or private. Mainly, where we can concentrate and hear one another properly – so not the crowded bar we tried once!

Often, we’ll chat over food or drinks, and sometimes we’ll have traveled quite a way to be there. We don’t set a time limit on our discussion, so we can go into as much depth as we want without feeling rushed. 

Each month’s host shares in advance a news story, blog, video… something that grabs his attention and challenges toxic masculinity or supports our understanding of masculinity, and then he’ll run the meeting.  

Don't Worry, Be Chatty

I’ve been surprised and impressed at the emotional intelligence of the group – I don’t think many of us expected to be able to handle this kind of scenario so well. We’ve found that making time for open conversation gives us a safe space in our lives that we didn’t have before. I’m really proud of what we’ve achieved. 

A few of my old friends know about the meetings but are adamant that they don’t want to attend, or to pick up the discussion topics themselves. So we stick to the usual banter when we’re together.  

In contrast, some of our wives, girlfriends, partners, co-workers, and friends are getting increasingly curious, even envious, about the group. If only they could do something similar, they say. You might be wondering about this yourself. 

There is one thing that I'd like you to take away from this, especially if you’re a guy. Just open up to your friends. Don’t be afraid: that is toxic masculinity in action. Chances are some of them have the same worries and hurts that you do.

Take it from me, they will be thankful that you've given them the opportunity to discuss their troubles with you. 

For further insight into some of the topics raised in this blog, try the Mind Tools articles on Authenticity, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Esteem and Empathy. (Some may be available to Club members only.)

How have these issues affected you? Share your experiences in the Comments, below.

The post Why Can’t Men Talk? How Toxic Masculinity Hurts Men Too appeared first on Mind Tools.