My attacker – my sister – was two. We were on the rug in our living room, playing with wooden bricks. And something about my work on the castle we were building together must not have been to her liking. Because she suddenly picked up the biggest brick she could see and whacked me with it.

There was a little blood, lots of tears, and my sister was hauled away to a safe distance. And, thankfully, she never did it again. Instead, like most people, she steadily improved her ability to share, negotiate, resolve problems, and get her feelings across without resorting to violence.

There were blips along the way (and I'm sure I was no angel). But she learned to be creative with others in a much calmer and more collaborative way. Which was good for my health and safety and, as I’ve come to realize, an essential part of growing up.

Sadly, not everyone at work is quite there yet.

Workplaces at War

In her new book, "Sandbox Strategies for the New Workplace," Penny Tremblay imagines work as a place where we should be able to be creative with a wide range of people, explore what's possible, combine our talents, and have fun while we’re at it. Just like children playing in the sand (or on a living-room rug).

However, we're worse at it than ever, even with many of us now working remotely. In fact, research shows we’re experiencing more conflict than before the pandemic, not less.

So, whether it comes from a sense of unfairness about flexible work hours, personality clashes in virtual meetings, feelings of disconnection – and even exclusion – within a hybrid team, or any number of other potential triggers, Tremblay says that we need to be better at handling conflict than ever before.

And her solution is to look back to childhood – to see the skills that worked well in the sandbox.

Sandbox Strategies for Conflict

These aren't skills for avoiding conflict altogether. After all, great collaboration involves working through conflicting situations and embracing different viewpoints. As well as sometimes confronting unappealing topics to find healthy, creative solutions.

My sister and I would likely have built a better castle if we'd explored our different ideas and pooled our talents. Confrontation doesn't have to mean beating others over the head, figuratively or literally.

Instead, Tremblay's "sandbox strategies" are ways to benefit from the energy created by the “right kind of conflict.” They also bid to protect everyone involved. She paints a glossy picture of children at play, engrossed in a shared activity, experimenting, negotiating, working through any problems as they emerge. All the while constantly improving their coworking skills. And she outlines eight steps to success in her idealized sandbox – brought together in the acronym, "PLAY NICE."

Play Nice!

P, for example, is "position yourself for success." You have to be in the right mental and emotional state to cope with conflict. And preparing for new challenges often means dealing with unresolved conflicts first, or you might bring lots of negative ideas along with you.

As a parent, and especially during a decade working in schools, I often saw children struggling with situations before they'd even started. They'd be worrying about a play date or stressed about a group activity, because of negative experiences in the past.

L is for "lighten your load." Deal with the emotions that are creating conflict for you, or are stopping you from engaging with conflict bravely and positively.

The A in PLAY NICE is "actively listen." How often do kids – and adults – fall out because they don't or won't listen properly to what other people think or need?

And so, step by step, the PLAY NICE approach supports enjoyable, effective coworking, where conflict can be confronted, not dodged. And it leads to what the author calls "assertive play." Not brick-on-skull assertive, or even domineering or aggressive. But self-confident engagement, where people know they have things to contribute, and stake their claim to be fully involved.

The N is particularly important for that: "nurture relationships." However old we are, it's hard to suddenly start being collaborative and creative. You need to build trusting bonds over time. Looking back, I could have done more to make my little sister feel included in our castle-building game.

Conflict: Who's Being Left Out?

So I was particularly drawn to Tremblay's theme of inclusion. Again, parenting and teaching have both taught me that conflict often arises when people feel left out.

So, as we get to grips with virtual and hybrid working, we need to see when people aren’t being involved. Where they're being are left out of decision making, or are excluded from social events. Think of the child left to look on as others play a game, or not invited to that big party.

At work, conflicts that stem from inclusion – creating negative feelings and maybe even challenging behavior – can seriously damage the performance of individuals and teams.

In contrast, getting everyone to "play nice" gives you access to a range of experiences. It also promotes a rich diversity of ideas, and keeps everyone involved in tackling conflicts together. Then moving on.

Time to Grow Up?

The sandbox analogy only goes so far, of course. Different rules apply to children and adults – along with different consequences when things go wrong. Usually, when a child's playtime is over, someone else cleans up the mess.

What's more, as the book makes clear, serious conflict – like harassment or bullying – is anything but a childish matter, and needs to be dealt with way beyond the realm of "play."

However, it feels like we can learn much about dealing with conflicts now by considering the things we learned as kids. Like how to go into challenges with curiosity; include everyone in our games; compromise when necessary. And how we can achieve great things through creative differences and keep on developing our conflict skills – even when we got knocked back (by a brick to the head or otherwise).

It may feel like a stretch to compare adult workplaces with childhood sandboxes. And, I'll be honest, at times Tremblay's analogy comes close to falling apart.

But maybe that's the point. Because, now more than ever, we all need to practice balancing difficult ideas, making sense of differences, combining several viewpoints: "digging in" to conflict, and building great things together.

A few years have gone by, but maybe I'll give my sister a call and see if we can have another go at that castle.

Listen to Our "Sandbox Strategies" Book Insight

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About the Author

Jonathan Hancock is a Senior Editor/Writer at Mind Tools. In his own right he's published 13 books about learning, written a memory column for Reader's Digest magazine, and acted as a consultant to a number of TV shows including "Child Genius."

Before joining Mind Tools, Jonathan spent a decade in education, as a teacher and eventually a headteacher. He's also an experienced broadcaster and event host, following 15 years working as a presenter and producer for the BBC.

The post Digging Into Conflict: How to "Play Nice" at Work appeared first on Mind Tools.

In my previous career as a journalist, I'd run toward the scene of terrorist attacks or fly into disaster zones, relishing the adrenaline buzz.

Yet I've often struggled with a different kind of bravery – the type that Jim Detert writes about in "Choosing Courage." The fortitude to "speak my truth," to risk confrontation, and to stand up to authority figures is something that eluded me for a long time. I've always found it hard to say things that I know are right but that might provoke anger or disapproval.

A Different Kind of Brave

Fortunately, thanks to many years of personal development, therapy, healing, and growth, I understand why I struggle to be my authentic self and why I'm afraid of people's anger. I now know that the fears that threaten to sabotage my present are rooted in my past.

And while I'll probably never enjoy "rocking the boat," I've learned to face my fears and speak up, even when there's a risk of negative repercussions.

But I can't do it on my own.

I need the support of others, as well as many of the tools and strategies Detert offers in this book. For example, I need to rehearse what I'm going to say – either to write it down or practice the conversation with someone else. I also need to choose my battles, pick my moment, adjust my message to my audience, and master my wayward emotions, as Detert advises.

The Courage Ladder

There's one practical tool in the book that I haven't tried, though, and would like to: Detert's Courage Ladder.

I like the idea of drawing a ladder and writing a list of actions next to each rung, ranking them in order of difficulty, and then gradually moving up the ladder, taking each action and noticing, as I go, that I grow in confidence and that things get easier.

I've known for a while now that uncomfortable actions lead to healing and growth. I've also learned – and this is something Detert also identifies – that when I procrastinate over doing something, which is often, my fear expands until everything feels overwhelming.

This is true of my work and my personal relationships, and it was especially true in my romantic life during my single years. Detert focuses on professional courage, but as I read the book, I couldn't help but notice how applicable his writing is to the area of "love," which is the field I now work in.

Love and Courage

It took me a long time to open myself up to love. I'd been hurt in the past and was afraid to get hurt again. And I don't just mean by previous partners. I'm referring to my very first experiences of love – with my parents, especially my dad.

I loved my dad and was devastated when my parents divorced and my dad left our family home. I didn't have the support or emotional maturity to process what was happening in a healthy way. Instead, I decided that love equaled loss, abandonment and pain. Why on earth would I want to do that again?

Many of my coaching clients have had similar experiences. Their childhood wounds have led to unhelpful belief systems and deep fears around love.

And what do we do when we have these fears? Just like in our professional lives, we avoid "frightening" situations. We stop dating. Or we date people who aren't available for love. Or we keep so busy at work that we don't have time for love.

And the more we avoid it, the more our fear grows, and the more difficult it is to engage with love again.

The Roots of Fear

The good news is that we can overcome our fears. Whether they're personal or professional fears, the key is to identify them, understand their roots, and then address them head-on, with a combination of self-mastery and external support.

I'm pleased to say that I managed to do this. I found love in midlife and I'm happily married. And I've found purpose in my struggles because I now support others in conquering their fears.

This is one of the things that motivates me to continue on my healing journey – the knowledge that every uncomfortable action I take inspires someone else to take an uncomfortable action. Then they, in turn, encourage someone else.

It's a virtuous circle. One that's well worth the discomfort we may feel when we do as Detert suggests – choose courage.

Download Our "Choosing Courage" Book Insight

Mind Tools reviews the best new business and self-development books, alongside the tested classics, in our monthly Book Insight for the Mind Tools Club. So, if you're a Club member or enterprise licensee, you can download or stream the full "Choosing Courage" Book Insight in text or audio format.

Meanwhile, what's your experience with fear and courage? Have you ever spoken up for something or someone at work? Join the discussion by adding your thoughts below!

The post Finding the Courage to Be Me appeared first on Mind Tools.

"It's hard to be receptive to the moralistic scolding and patronizing encouragement offered endlessly by the allegedly well-meaning."

Just the mere mention of the word "patronizing" gets my hackles up.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines the word "patronize" as "to speak to or behave towards someone as if they are stupid or not important." Similarly, Oxford Languages defines it as "to treat in a way that is apparently kind or helpful but that betrays a feeling of superiority."

Am I Stupid, or What?

I've certainly felt patronized before. "Mansplaining," in particular, annoys me. It irks me if a man speaks on my behalf. It's even worse if he does it because he assumes that I don't know anything about cars, electricity, tools, or technology, and that his knowledge is superior. And worse still is when a man lies to me because he thinks that I won't know the difference anyway.

Recently, we had a solar power system installed at our house. While I was busy downloading the app that you need to manage the system, the project manager literally took my phone out of my hand and said, "Let me do it, I know how."

After a moment of stunned silence, I asked him to give me my phone back, and added that I found his behavior disrespectful. He quickly mansplained, "Most women struggle to do it, so I thought I'd save you time." In his mind he was being kind. In my mind he was completely out of line.

The next day the electricity started tripping. So I phoned the project manager, explained the issue, and said that I thought something wasn't earthed properly. Mr Project Manager offered a number of ludicrous explanations, such as that the pool pump had suddenly developed a fault. I knew that couldn't be the case by a process of elimination, as I'd already tested all the switches on the distribution board.

After a visit from the electrician, it turned out that it was indeed an earthing problem. And the apology from Mr Project Manager? Well, let's just say I'm still waiting.

Mental Health and Being Patronized

My friend Bobby lives with PTSD. In his own words, "I couldn't stop crying! I had no reason to cry, but the tears kept flowing. I had to leave my office. I was worried and scared. I felt like I was going crazy. I headed for an empty boardroom where I wouldn't disturb anyone else, and I could try to think of what I should do."

While he was making calls to mental health associations to find help, his manager came in and asked what was wrong. Bobby didn't know. The manager, trained in mental health, started to empathize with him. She asked what she could do to help.

He recalls, "I said I didn't know. Her concern was palpable. Then the patronizing started. She began to tell me everything would be OK, and that I just needed to get ahold of myself."

She wanted to maintain a businesslike workplace, and it wasn't a priority to help Bobby. To make matters worse, she went and told everybody that he was dealing with "personal issues." Until then, they hadn't noticed he was gone.

"Patting me on the back and offering 'there, there' is not a solution, and just made me feel worse."

He manages his PTSD well now, but he's learned who to trust with his illness, and who will simply pat his back and tell him that "everything will be OK."

Being Patronizing Toward an Addict

Mandy's a recovering alcoholic. Her account of how she's patronized is jarring.

She explains, "Even after all these years, I still find it annoying when people 'do my thinking for me.' As a grateful recovering alcoholic, I appreciate the support and encouragement I have received (and still do) from others. What I do not appreciate is when people try to manage me or the situation when I am around. That does not feel kind or supportive. It feels controlling and patronizing."

She says that people assume they know what's best for her and attempt to control things, all by way of "protecting" her. She's had experiences where people either hid the fact that they were drinking alcohol or did not drink in front of her. And that was even when she'd explained to them that it's her responsibility to manage herself, and that she would remove herself from the situation if it became uncomfortable.

At other times, people have insisted on her drinking the nonalcoholic version of something so that she doesn't feel left out. She says, "What I find patronizing is their insistence for me to drink something just so that they feel as if I am part of the group. It is for their benefit and not mine. Even if the drinks do not contain alcohol, they still taste like the one that I used to drink."

Being Patronizing in an Organization

The organization Dulcie worked for was planning to launch a new product category into their stores. She had to manage the training and change management for their frontline associates for a product that most of them knew nothing about, and one that was governed by strict government regulations.

Dulcie had to build the project and change-management plan, as well as lead the learning design and execution (which were not her boss's strengths). As a senior manager in HR, and with years of experience in designing learning programs, the project was an excellent fit for her particular skill set. On this project, she reported directly to her VP.

He had no background in learning, yet insisted on being present when she met with the learning vendors. When discussing objectives and design elements with vendors, Dulcie's boss often challenged or overruled her. He blocked her from engaging other project stakeholders, and didn't invite her to key project meetings. She had to find other ways to get the critical information that she needed.

She recalls, "When members of the senior project team asked why I wasn't at the meeting, what was I to say? Meanwhile, I was the one who prepared the project updates and executed the administrative details. This is what my role on the project had become, at least from my boss's perspective. The whole experience was demeaning."

Savior Behavior

The #BLM movement has done much to drive forward conversations about race, equality and equity over the past year. But this has also opened up discussions about "savior behavior."

This is behavior that might seem kind, but can also be (and often is) patronizing. It's the "you won't survive if it wasn't for me" or "you will never get this right without my help" type of attitude. It's insidious, and does nobody good apart from the "savior" for whom it's often just an ego-boosting exercise.

The stories above clearly illustrate that patronizing behavior can take many different forms. We don't all experience it the same, it doesn't always present itself in the same way, and people's sensitivity to specific issues can differ significantly.

Are You Kind or Patronizing – and How Do You Know?

During the #MTtalk Twitter chat last Friday, we talked about the difference between being kind and being patronizing. Here are the questions we asked and some of your most insightful responses:

Q1. What does it mean to be patronizing? 

@PdJen For me it's to talk to someone in a tone that suggests they don't understand something as well as you do, even though they do. Sometimes the person being patronizing is actually the one who knows less!

@Jake_pryszlak You think you are being really nice but actually you think you are bigger than someone else. I feel like you typically see this when the younger generation can think of cool and new ideas, but someone else may want to show superiority.

Q2. When do you experience an action as "kind," and when do you experience it as "patronizing?"

@JKatzaman An action is kind if it feels like both parties are on equal footing. Patronizing makes you feel like you're back in kindergarten.

@SustainedLeader Kind people act from their heart without any expectation in return; in fact, they often give knowing the other person cannot reciprocate. Patronizing people expect a parade & great public recognition for their supposed kindness, like getting their name on a building!

Q3. When was the last time you felt patronized? What happened?

@llake This question hits a hot spot. I am patronized frequently in higher education settings. As though a PhD in a specific topic trumps my knowledge & expertise in the topic we're together to discuss. They aren't even cognizant that they do it.

@bluesummitsupp I recently felt very patronized in a professional roundtable on Zoom – I shared something I was working on, and was shut down with a lengthy list of reasons why that was a waste of time. This came from people who didn't know anything about my business or goals.

Q4. How does it feel when you're being patronized? Why does it make you feel that way?

@ZalkaB Usually like a child scolded or a toddler that needs to be put in his/her space. It's usually connected to the fact that it's humiliating, especially when it's done publicly or in front or a bigger audience.

@lg217 The feeling sucks when you are patronized. I feel like people take what I am saying and either dismiss it or turn [it in] a negative way. It's never good when you speak your mind and people don't take it seriously and just push it aside like it's nothing.

Q5. Do you think that some people are more likely to find something patronizing? And if so, why?

@Yolande_MT Yes, and I'm one of them. I'm very sensitive to being patronized by men who think women know nothing about technical, electrical or mechanical subjects.

@sentientones Comments on complexion and abilities are more likely to be found patronizing.

Q6. When have you caught yourself being patronizing toward someone else? What happened?

@MicheleDD_MT With a person who was much younger than I & with little experience. As soon as the words came out, I apologized.

@DhongdeSupriya Under the pretext of help, the tendency to rescue.

Q7 Why is "savior behavior" patronizing? How can you still be helpful without falling into the trap of "savior behavior"?

@HloniphileDlam7 Savior behavior can make it difficult for those being helped to make [their] own decisions.

@ColfaxInsurance The idea that the other person can't handle their own problems/life and that you are sacrificing something to help them – in a lot of cases time or money. Let the other person come to their own rescue first – a lot of times we have to hit bottom before going back up.

Q8. How does patronizing behavior affect employees in the workplace?

@Dwyka_Consult If someone patronizes me I find it very difficult to trust them. Without trust, the workplace becomes harsh terrain.

@Midgie_MT It undermines their abilities. Plus, detrimental to the morale by always telling people how to do their jobs, which they already know how to do.

Q9. What could you do to avoid being patronizing when delivering feedback or advice?

@TwinkleEduCons Pose it as a question ("Have you thought of... ?") and be mindful of manner, tone and approach. Often if we are clear about our intention when we communicate something, we won't come across as patronizing. Communicate without ego or a need to "prove."

@SustainedLeader A leader always builds their team up and gives them challenging assignments that might well be above their current capability level, but you have to let them grow. Delegating to others shows your confidence in them and helps them grow. Patronizing kills that.

Q10. How can you deal with someone who is being patronizing toward you or others?

@SizweMoyo I usually respond by questioning the parts I find patronizing – "what do you mean by __?" Sometimes, we don't even realize that we're being as toxic as we are.

@bluesummitsupp At our company, it's baked into our culture that patronizing is not ok, and we have written documentation of expected behaviors with examples. In our culture of transparency, when you make someone feel less-than, you're going to hear about it immediately.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat here.

Coming Up

People sometimes unintentionally patronize others. The same thing happens with the language we choose to use. Some words and phrases have connotations that are divisive – yet we don't always realize it.

In our next #MTtalk chat, we're going to discuss language that divides, and how to become more aware of it. In our poll this week, we want to know which examples of divisive language you're most aware of. To see the poll and cast your vote, please click here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources to explore strategies for communicating better. Some of them may only be available in full to members of the Mind Tools Club.

Managing Arrogant People

Eldred's Power Strategies

Preventing Manager Dependency

Dealing With Bossy Co-Workers

Conflict Resolution

Building Trust

Winning by Giving

Managing Gifted People

How to Be Assertive

Managing Your Boundaries

Managing Dominant People

The post Are You Kind or Patronizing? – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Your people will get into disagreements – it would be weird if they didn't! They all have their own ways of doing things, plus a unique mix of experiences and skills. With so many different values, goals, and personalities, there's no way they'll always see eye-to-eye.

If you're lucky, they'll "agree to disagree." But from time to time, they're bound to make their feelings known – maybe very loudly!

And, if you're a manager, coping with disagreements can take up a significant slice of your time. Research shows that people in management positions spend 20-40 percent of their working week coping with conflict, in one form or another.

If you deal with disagreements well, they can actually be good for business. As Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan say in their book, "Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader," differences of opinion give you a great chance to identify problems, try out different approaches, and put effective solutions in place.

Some organizations take this a step further and actively promote disruptiveness. For example, in Twitter's early days, the company employed several anarchists. According to a Business Insider report, they stood up in sit-down meetings, and sat down in stand-up ones! They likely annoyed their co-workers, but they were part of a rebellious spirit that propelled the business toward its current success.

For most of us, however, disagreements are a difficult aspect of working life. And if managers handle them badly – or worse, don't deal with them at all – they can cause significant damage.

The Damages of Disagreement

The financial costs of unresolved conflict are high. One study into workplace conflict put the price at $359 billion annually – and that only covered the time spent dealing with it (on average, 2.8 hours a week for every employee in the U.S.). There are many other ways in which organizations can suffer.

Conflicts can hamper productivity and hold back progress. Unresolved issues can lead to stress, with knock-on effects on well-being, punctuality, and attendance at work.

A disagreement between two team members can quickly spread to others. Even if more people don't "weigh in" directly, most will pick up on the negative vibes, and the mood of the whole team can drop.

And if it gets so bad that people start quitting, the costs of recruitment and onboarding can skyrocket. Your reputation is also at serious risk if you're known for not handling conflict well.

Coping With Conflict

We wanted to hear your top tips for dealing with the disagreements that arise in your team.

On Facebook, Thorsten König emphasized the way that conflict can contribute to success – if it's managed well. He said, "Disagreements are, for me, actually the best chance for team improvement."

Thorsten also stressed the importance of an open approach. He recommended letting everyone know "that the issue has been solved and that the shared way forward is leading the team to better performance."

Ali Salari, replying via LinkedIn from Albany, California, agreed. He said, "Understand the situation, hearing both sides. Identify the differences, recognize common ground and work towards possible solutions."

Coming Together

Gourav Bais stressed the need to understand people's different points of view, while Iosif Gilca focused on finding the "real" reasons for their conflict. He said, "When a disagreement lasts longer than two minutes or so, most likely it is not the only disagreement that wasn't positively settled. Best practice in my case is: all parties sit down, discuss and solve this agreement first. Then solve all the others."

On LinkedIn, IT professional Maria Carrillo-Walther, from Calgary, Canada, pointed to good communication as the way to find "shared ground." She explained, "We all start a calm conversation until we reach a point where we can find a solution that works for everybody."

Michelle Marie's message was to "maintain professionalism." She advised, "Listen to your co-workers' ideas and express your own. Find common ground on what makes the most sense for the company."

And if someone else has a better idea for achieving your aims? According to Michelle, "you accept it and agree to move forward."

Yulin Wang, replied on Twitter from the U.K. and emphasized the power of compromise – even though that's often easier said than done! When people are in conflict about the way forward, Yulin's advice was to show them that they "share the same goal."

Personal Problems

Prakash, in Bengaluru, India, highlighted the dangers of personality clashes. He described conflicts caused by "internal politics," "ego," and "domination" by the people with the loudest voices. He said, "By careful observation, one can find an appropriate solution to bring into a single page."

And another of our Twitter followers, Lauren Dacruz, in Mauritius, felt that different personalities need to be taken into account when dealing with disagreements. "Find out the personality types," she said. That way, "the one who is leading the group knows the dynamics and how to handle each one."

Finally for now, Iosif Gilca, on Facebook, described his favorite way to help people move on, once their personal conflicts have been settled. "Shake hands," he suggested, "and go for a cup of coffee together."

Thank you to everyone who responded to our #MindToolsTips question. And whether you agree or disagree with the comments so far, there's still time to have your say, below!

The post How to Cope With Team Disagreements – Your Top Tips appeared first on Mind Tools.

"We find comfort among those who agree with us; growth among those who don’t."

- Dr Marty Nemko, U.S. career coach

About This Week's Chat

A characteristic that I love seeing in other people is self-honesty. However, that places a responsibility on me to be self-honest, too. Otherwise, I compromise my integrity.

So, let me start with a confession: when I was young, I was culturally blind, and I struggled to see other people's behavior from the perspective of their culture.

In my mind, many types of behavior that were drilled into me as a youngster – from table manners to how to address people – were right. And anything else was wrong. Just that. Wrong.

Working With People

In later years, a significant life event or two caused me to start looking at people differently.

At the same time, I started working with students and adult learners from a melting pot of cultures. If I had insisted on imposing my own ideas of right or wrong on them, I wouldn't have lasted a month.

Instead, I learned how to ask good questions, to listen intently, to observe behavior, and to think about what the driving force behind their behavior could be. Here's what I learned: more often than not, there's a link between people's behavior and their culture and history.

I also had to learn that different cultures define "respect" in different ways, especially where behavior is concerned. In my culture, it is bad manners not to make eye contact with someone. However, some ethnic groups in my country regard direct eye contact from a young person to an older person as rude.

Imagine this in a conflict situation: one person shows respect by avoiding eye contact, as their culture dictates; the other person interprets the lack of eye contact as a lack of respect. There's fuel for the fire!

An Important Lesson in Culture

The most important lesson I had to learn was that I had to know my own culture very well. If you know your own culture inside out, you know why certain (unconscious) values are important to you. You also understand why you expect others to behave in a certain way in specific situations.

If you don't know that your expectations and values are driven by your culture and its behaviors and norms, you might not think about why others do what they do. Instead, you're likely to judge them, or try to teach them "manners."

I now lecture and facilitate group events to help others to learn about culture, diversity, values, and respect. I've also become very accepting of others doing things differently, and I've even adopted practices from other cultures. I've sure come a long way, but it's been worth every step!

Culture Clash: Respect and Conflict

Our topic for this week's #MTtalk Twitter chat is "Culture Clash: Respect and Conflict."

During last Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, Dr Dorrie Cooper, @sittingpretty61, used a great example to explain hidden cultural values.

She said, "One's work ethic might be different from another's slower pace with different values. Americans value the individual and working at the expense of other things. Other cultures believe family first and bring their children to the work setting."

Here are the questions we asked during our session, and some of the responses:

Q1. How does culture shape behavior?

@YEPBusiness Culture is the learned, frowned upon, permitted, encouraged, agreed upon and accommodated behaviour. Sub- and micro-cultures develop to accommodate where there is value to do so.

@SaifuRizvi Culture is a framework which pushes an individual to behave according to dos and don'ts written in the framework.

Q2. How would you define respect, based on what you learned from your culture of origin?

Many participants responded with tweets about listening to others, accepting different opinions and tolerating differences. However, a number of people also said they were taught to have good manners and respect their elders.

@JKatzaman We grew up learning respect by minding our manners and being nice to others.

@TheCraigKaye Respect is also culturally dependent. Language, for instance, in one area might be unacceptable in another.

@harrisonia Based on how I was raised, we were expected to respect, trust, and believe senior citizens, relatives and leaders because they were older. So thankful I outgrew that! Older doesn't make you wiser and youth doesn't mean you're unlearned.

Q3. We often learn values and beliefs that we aren't conscious about, through culture. How did you become aware of some of your unconscious cultural values?

@MicheleDD_MT Lessons learned while working in a college that worked with marginalized groups. Quickly learned about privilege and the impact our assumptions have on how we think about and behave with others who are not the same as we are.

@aarum101 Analyzing everything you are told, fortunately, and, although in my country there were almost no schools that followed the democratic system (even less in my time), I was educated at home under the precepts of this, so I never accept anything without analyzing it.

Q4. How do your unconscious values influence how you deal with conflict? What expectations do you have of other people?

Unconscious values might motivate us to defend certain points of view, without us knowing exactly why we do it. With that comes the expectation that the other party should act or react in a specific way. It creates plenty of room for misunderstandings to occur!

@Ganesh_Sabari Unconscious values play a major role in our instinctive behaviour; which gains significance in times of conflict as, generally, it is when emotions overpower reasoning. I expect nothing from anyone and take life as it comes.

@LadderHR Well, that's just it. Your unconscious values determine how you process conflict. Conflict occurs when there is a difference in values. My expectation for others would be that we will have a respectful discussion and come to an understanding of each other's POV.

Q5. When cultural differences occur at work, what effect does it have on employees?

@GenePetrovLMC It depends on if the leaders recognize it and do something about it. If they don't, they can expect some certain outcomes: disharmony; decline in effectiveness and efficiency; not being on the same path toward the same goals and vision; lack of trust.

@Midgie_MT Working in multi-cultural teams and with individuals from different cultures can have far reaching effects. One being timekeeping and their approaches to meetings. Another, their view of deadlines.

@itstamaragt It depends on how each individual handles cultural differences. In a good instance, it can lead to educating those who want to better understand someone else's culture. In bad instances, it can lead to ignorance and isolation.

Q6. What effect can constant cultural clashes have on an organization?

@WonderPix Clashes can lead to us versus them thinking, less collaboration, and more separation. But, they could be used to learn and bridge divides, too. Acceptance of differences is key.

@BrainBlenderTec It can demoralize and debilitate, as no-one wants to work in a battlefield.

Q7. When working with people from other cultures, which of the following would you regard as more important: to be aware of your own culture, or to learn from interacting?

@Yolande_MT Knowing my own culture well has helped me realise that the expression "it's logical" begs the question, "logical to whom?" What's logical to me and my culture, isn't logical to someone from another culture.

@bentleyu Both. It's important to reflect on our own views, biases, values, assumptions, communication, cultural frameworks etc. At the same time, we have to be proactive about learning from others, engaging with others, celebrating difference, challenging our stances.

Q8. How can you mediate between colleagues who clash because of cultural differences?

@Mphete_Kwetli Let anyone know its good to accept that appreciating other cultures won't let them lose their values, but broaden their knowledge more. Accept and appreciate.

@s_narmadhaa We need to point out that it's the differences that make a society whole. People who agree with each other all the time don't innovate or learn to solve problems. When we realise that our differences power our strength, we can try and alleviate clashes.

Q9. When culture clashes occur at work, what can leaders do? What steps can they take?

@B2the7 Leaders are key. They need to be supportive, they need to provide education/solutions and they need to not take sides.

@BRAVOMedia1 We step back, reflect and evaluate the situation and how we can obtain the best outcome under the circumstances.

Q10. What's your most important tip/takeaway about respect in the context of culture?

@TwinkleTutoring (From experience!) However open-minded you think you are, you can never know everything about every culture! Always be open and prepared to listen and learn more!

@MarkC_Avgi It's kinda gotta be that "all for one, one for all" golden rule type of mentality. Team. Cooperation. Collaboration. Respect. Common goal.

Thank you to everyone who took part in our discussion. To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat, here.

Coming Up

In some cultural contexts, people are taught that it's better to keep quiet if you aren't satisfied about something – especially if it's about an older person or someone with a more senior position. Next time on #MTtalk, we're going to discuss dissatisfaction and what people feel versus what they say. In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know when you're most likely to keep quiet about dissatisfaction. Please vote in our Twitter poll, here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources relating to culture:

Cultural Intelligence

Cross-Culture Communication

Hofstede's Cultural Dimensions

Managing Your Boundaries

The Seven Dimensions of Culture

Avoiding Cross-Cultural Faux Pas

Avoiding Cross-Cultural Faux Pas: Clothes

Avoiding Cross-Cultural Faux Pas: Body Language

Religious Observance in the Workplace

How to Be a Good Role Model

What Are Cultural Fit and Cultural Add?

Managing Mutual Acceptance in Your Team

Five Ways to Deal With Rudeness in the Workplace

The post Culture Clash – Respect and Conflict – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Every life is a canvas and every interaction is a brush, therefore we’d be wise to consider how we handle the paint.”
– Craig D. Lounsbrough, U.S. author and counselor

About This Week’s Chat: Scene 1, Take 1

It's Tuesday morning. Justin walks into the office and, as he always does, greets everybody with a cheerful, "Good morning!"

Usually, everybody returns his greeting. But today, Caryn just mumbles something and doesn't even look up.

Justin starts to think about all his interactions with Caryn over the last two days. Was it something he said? Something he didn't say? Maybe something he forgot to do? But he can't think of any reason why Caryn would be so unfriendly.

Just after 10 o’clock, Justin's manager calls him into her office. She asks him, among other things, to take some documents to Caryn to get them signed.

His heart sinks. Caryn is the last person he feels like facing! He still doesn't know what he did wrong, so he decides to act in a formal and officious way.

Justin goes to Caryn's office and puts the documents on her desk with a rather curt, "Maria asked you to sign these." She signs, and he thanks her politely but without his customary friendliness.

When he leaves, Caryn wonders what has got into Justin. He's usually a very pleasant person but he seems so aloof this morning.

During the day, Caryn catches herself recalling all their recent interactions, trying to think how she might have offended him. Try as she may, nothing comes to mind.

Scene 1, Take 2

Justin walks into the office and, as he always does, greets everybody with a cheerful, "Good morning!"

Usually, everybody returns his greeting. But today, Caryn just mumbles something. Justin knows that Caryn's mother is very ill, and he realizes that she's probably preoccupied.

Just after 10 o’clock, Justin's manager calls him and asks him to take some documents to Caryn for her to sign.

When he gets to Caryn's office, he greets her and says, "I noticed you seemed a bit quiet this morning. Is everything OK? How's your mom doing?"

After Justin has left, Caryn thinks what a nice person he is and how kind he is to ask about her mother.

What Made the Difference?

The two scenes above played out very differently, even though they started off with the same people, in the same place, at the same time, doing the same things.

What made the difference was how Justin decided to interpret Caryn's mumbled greeting. In the first scenario, he made an assumption that he must have done something wrong. But, in the second scenario, he took the bigger picture into consideration.

In both scenarios, all Justin's interactions with Caryn, from the greeting onward, were influenced by his thoughts about her mumbled greeting.

Navigating the Complexities of Human Interactions

These two scenes describe mundane, everyday occurrences. Yet even in this very simple example we see how complex and multilayered human interactions can be.

Two of the recurring themes in last Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat were making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. Many participants felt that assumptions are probably the biggest obstacle we face in our interactions with other people. Another is poor listening. Here are all of the questions we asked, and some of the responses:

Q1. How do you understand "complexities" in this context?

@JKatzaman Every person has different sensitivities that lead to complex interactions. What is fine with one person or culture might offend another.

@Midgie_MT There is no one rule or way things are done. There are infinite variations of possibilities when interacting with others. You cannot apply the same rule and generalize about everyone.

Q2. What makes interaction with others so difficult/complex sometimes?

@MarkC_Avgi Even circumstances that one person may be dealing with at that specific time may change their reaction from how they may otherwise react. You might expect a normal "repeated" reaction to something you say or do, and get a totally different one from the norm.

@BrainBlenderTec People often make it harder than it is as insecurity, ego and bias all flood in when they forget that, at the core, we are all just humans trying to navigate our way in the world to be happy.

Q3. What obstacles do you most often encounter when dealing with other people?

Many of you said that when we make assumptions, they lead to difficulties in our interactions.

@YEPBusiness Unreasonable expectations and unfounded assumptions often gum up the works in human interactions.

@CareerGoals360 Lack of being open for discussions, and jumping to conclusions.

@KobusNeethInst People assume the message they hear has the tone that they think it has.

Q4. How has technology influenced your human interactions?

@GodaraAR 1. The distance barrier has been removed. 2. The interactions are real now – across borders. 3. Tracking of interactions has become easier.

@Jikster2009 It's increased the options of communication, but at the same time diminished the emphasis of interacting face to face, which makes it harder to develop relationships. Some alternative forms of interaction are also open to wider interpretation, which can cause issues.

Q5. What positives come out of complex human interactions?

As much as we'd like all our interactions to be smooth sailing, complex interactions help us to learn more about ourselves and other people.

@SaifuRizvi Complex human interactions sometimes produce extraordinary solutions!

@MicheleDD_MT It has acted as a mirror to uncover the assumptions and biases I have when interacting with others. Think first, then write or speak.

Q6. What is the most important lesson you've ever learned about human interactions?

@sittingpretty61 Never minimize the power of words and the impact they have on another person.

@GThakore Listen first. See every possible angle. Don't hear only what you want to hear. Be a straight communicator.

Q7. How have you had to change your thinking when dealing with people?

Complex human interactions often force us to think differently, and to change our actions to attain a different outcome.

@LernChance Always be aware that misinterpretation, arising from different backgrounds (life, company, origin) can happen – even if you think you know your audience.

@harrisonia One thing I have been accepting for the last 20 years is that just because people have respected credentials does not mean they have common sense or a basic understanding of technology.

Q8. What can you do to facilitate smoother human interactions?

@Yolande_MT Help and teach people to accept other people as they are, not as you want them to be.

@DrRossEspinoza Speaking, clarifying and engaging with what the other person looks for. Also, communicating face to face or by telephone helps lots.

Q9. What tool(s) do you use to navigate complex interactions?

@MegOKerns This one is more difficult: in face-to-face interactions, I think it's more about "reading the room" and knowing your audience. When in doubt, ask!

@s_narmadhaa I try to be present both physically and mentally. So when something trips me up, it shows on my face. And when I follow it up with questions, it's often easy to navigate a complex conversation.

Q10. When dealing with people, what's the one "go-to rule" you'd like everybody to embrace?

We particularly liked the way that Naeem (@NWarind) described his "go-to rule":

@NWarind Try to put yourself in their shoes. Mostly, shoes are flexible and we are not.

@SabrinaCadini Respect, above all. Unfortunately, we live in a society that is losing respect for one another (starting from many top leaders), and that affects many areas in our lives, personally and professionally.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat.

Coming Up

Communication, learning how to navigate human interactions, and conflict management are three of the most widely covered learning and development topics. We're going to talk about L&D in our next #MTtalk, and in our Twitter poll this week we'd like to know what you think is the most overtrained but underapplied training topic. Please vote in our Twitter poll, here.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources that may help you to navigate the complexities of human interactions:

Perceptual Positions
Emotional Intelligence
8 Ways to Improve Your Self-Regulation
How to Apologize
How to Work With Irritating People
Building Trust
Building Great Work Relationships
Boost Your Interpersonal Skills
Transactional Analysis
Bell and Hart's Eight Causes of Conflict
Working With People You Don't Like
The Betari Box
The Johari Window

The post Navigating the Complexities of Human Interactions – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.