People of all cultures grieve; we all feel sorrow, loss and despair. We just show it in different ways. When it comes to grieving, for some cultures the focus is often placed on the individual. This can make it an extremely isolating and lonely experience.

However, in other cultures collective grief is common. Families, friends and communities lean in to support each other and grieve together. Here, death is not to be feared and is not a taboo topic.

Our understanding of the nature of grief and bereavement has undergone a transformational change. Previously received wisdom regarded grief as linear. It defined bereavement as working through emotions, with the goal being to move on and live without the person who died.

A Pathway Through Grief

Today the focus is on understanding the benefits to bereaved people of integrating the memory of their loved one into their lives.

There is more recognition that death ends a life, not necessarily a relationship, and that this process can be healthy and is not a denial of the death.

More recent theories also consider the cognitive, social, cultural, and spiritual dimensions of grief and loss. As a society, it's important to recognize that it's valuable for bereaved people to talk and to think about the person who has died. Better than encouraging them to "get over" their bereavement.

Experts no longer talk about "moving on," but instead see grief as a way of adapting to loss while forming a continuing bond with the lost loved one.

Growing Around Grief

Tonkin's (1996) theory of "growing around grief" suggests grief remains the same size, but the person's life grows around it. As a bereavement counselor, this model has proved very helpful with people I've supported. Mainly due to the removal of the expectation that there needs to be "closure." A lot of people are, understandably, fearful of this.

It's important to note that although clinical research has expanded our understanding of the distinctive symptoms, risk factors, and psychological processes (which have contributed to more appropriate support for bereaved people), there is no justifiable "one size fits all” model or approach to grief.

A feeling of loneliness is something that is reported by nearly all of the clients I have worked with. They may have family and friends around them, but they are alone with their thoughts and their grief.

People shy away from checking in, not knowing what to say. Or they offer support initially and then distance themselves, leaving people alone with their grief. It can be an additional loss, where the people that you least expect become strangers.

Listen, Don't Judge

"Is what I'm feeling normal?" is a question I get asked a lot, and the answer is "Yes." The physical and emotional symptoms of grief can be frightening and overwhelming. They can be so heightened that people are convinced that they have a serious cognitive or medical issue.

I've found that normalizing the responses people have, and giving reassurance that grief can manifest itself in many ways, can help to alleviate this additional concern that is weighing heavily on top of people's grief.

"To share something that is very personal with another individual and it is not received and understood is a very deflating and lonely experience. I know that when I try to share some feeling aspect of myself, which is private, precious and tentative, and this communication is met by evaluation (judgment), reassurance and distortion of my meaning, my very strong reaction is 'Oh, what's the use!' At such a time, one knows what it is to be alone."

A Way of Being, Carl Rogers (1980)

This is a quote often used in bereavement support training, as it helps people to understand the importance of respect, empathy and validation when supporting someone.

You don't have to have the answers, you don't have to "fix" anything, that person may not want your opinion. "Toxic positivity" is also unhelpful. It's much better to regularly check in, take time to be present and empathically listen without judgment.

7 Tips for Truly Supporting the Bereaved

I've learned something in every single encounter during my years as a counselor supporting grieving people through their bereavement. Here's a brief summary of the things I've found most helpful during that time. Hopefully, they'll help you too when the time comes:

• Respect, empathy and genuineness are the core conditions of helping (Carl Rogers).
• It's better to say something than nothing.
• "How are you?"... ask twice, so that people know you are being genuine. Continue to ask. There is no time limit on this.
• If you think the individual is feeling overwhelmed or bombarded with questions like, "How are you feeling?" consider sending a note or a card. Or see if there is any way that you can support them practically, e.g., with their workload.
• Each bereavement is unique and so each person's grieving is unique.
• Grieving is not an entirely private process; it has social and relational aspects which need the engagement of others.
• There's no one size fits all for support. Some people will research and read books, support groups can be a comfort for some, and others may prefer individual counseling.

FURTHER READING

Mind Tools Chief Executive John Yates lost his daughter, 18, while she was on her gap year holiday in Asia. You can read this moving account of his daughter, the grief and the aftermath by downloading the story below.

You may also find the following articles helpful for reflecting on grief. You'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full:

Working Through Grief

Coping With Grief and Loss in A Virtual Team

How to Manage a Grieving Team Member

About the Author:

Kate Peters is a Mental Health and Wellbeing Consultant, Mental Health First Aid Trainer and Inclusion and Accessibility Lead at PeopleUnboxed.

The post Grief: Finding a Way Through appeared first on Mind Tools.

"Healing is not about moving on or "getting over it," it's about learning to make peace with our pain and finding purpose in our lives again."

Some experiences and interactions have a significant impact on your life. Others are forgettable or leave you cold, even though everything you experience changes you in some way, no matter how small.

But then there are interactions and experiences that do more than change you. You're soaked, submersed – their impact is inescapable. It's hard to remember the "you" before it happened because it became part of every cell and fiber of the "you" that followed.

After one such painful interaction with a family member (which included them being untruthful), I set clear boundaries about certain behaviors because they had too significant an impact on me to ignore.

Why Aren't You Over That Yet?

Months later, I had to remind this person of those boundaries when I noticed their behavior veering into a "no-go zone." The person seemed surprised and said, "I thought you forgave me for that?"

"I have forgiven you," I replied. Then came the kicker. "If that's the case, why aren't you over it yet?"

I wish I could say that I had sat them down and calmly explained the difference between boundaries, forgiveness and being "over" something.

But, almost instantaneously, I felt tears of anger, frustration and disappointment gathering behind my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of them. So I mustered just enough energy to politely excuse myself from the conversation while still holding it together. And then I didn't hold it together anymore.

Later I realized what had most upset me: they had put my enforcing boundaries down to me not being over a situation, rather than them understanding how problematic their behavior had been. Blaming me was easier than dealing with the truth.

Getting "Over That" Is Not Black and White

I had another experience with people needing others to be over something.

One evening in 2015, I was in a conversation at a Friday evening social gathering at my partner's work. The topic of politics and name changes surfaced. At the time, there was a spate of street and other names being changed from historically colonial and apartheid names to original geographical, cultural and ethnic names.

One of the men (also a white South African and an Afrikaner, like me) went on a bit of a rant about the name changes and ended with, "It's more than 20 years later! They (meaning, black people) should be over it (meaning, apartheid) by now!"

The comment was jarring enough in itself, but then it hit me: this man couldn't stand the English language or the sight of an English person. He was angry about the suffering the "scorched earth policy" of the British army caused his great-grandparents and other Afrikaner people during the Anglo-Boer War (also called the South African War) that waged from October 1899 to May 1902.

Do you spot the issue? He wasn't over a war that had ended 60 years before his birth (and certainly there are legitimate reasons as to why he wasn't over it), yet he expected black people in South Africa to be over apartheid after 21 years. So, I poked the hornet's nest and asked, "How do you explain your dislike of everything English in relation to how you think black people should be over apartheid already?" Oh my, the mayhem that ensued... it was quite spectacular! (He still doesn't like me much. That's OK – I'm over it.)

Forgiveness Is Not Being Over It

I'll share a few observations with you, and please feel free to share yours in the comments below. You want others to get over something quickly if you are in the wrong. I know because I've noticed this in myself. It suits me much better if others get over my wrongdoing quickly and we can carry on as if nothing happened.

We confuse the act of forgiveness with being over something. Even if someone has forgiven a perpetrator, it doesn't change them back to who they were before. And certain things we never get over; we just learn to live with them differently.

Events, such as the Covid pandemic, have had different effects on different people. Two people who both came through it OK and who didn't lose any loved ones, might handle the aftermath completely differently. One of them might not lose much sleep over it, while the other still has a visceral reaction when they think of that time.

How Do Our Values Affect Getting Over It?

Our values play a role in how we think about these things. Integrity is one of my top five values and when a person breaks my trust, I take forever to get over it. If upholding a certain image is one of your most important values, you might take forever to get over the "humiliation" if someone sees you in the street when you're not wearing a very expensive brand, for example.

You often want people to be over something because you find it hard if they become emotional. It's basically a selfish wish: you want them to be over it so that you don't have to deal with the awkwardness of witnessing their emotion.

Just as some people have a fast metabolism and others have a sluggish metabolism, people don't all process and digest events at the same rate. But people should have the space to process events according to their own personal energy and capacity.

The kindest thing we can probably do is to get over wanting others to be "over it" and to hold space for them to process things, however they need to.

#MTtalk Roundup: Surely You're Over That?

During Friday's #MTtalk Twitter chat, we discussed why people want you to be over something, what it means to be over something, and how we can better support people who find it difficult to cope with life events. Here are all the questions we asked, and some of the best responses:

Q1. What does being "over something" look like, sound like, feel like?

@ColfaxInsurance (Alyx) Depends on the situation! It can be a feeling of annoyance and frustration that can cause you to just throw your hands up and walk away. It can also feel like a major relief and weight off your shoulders. And it can sometimes feel bittersweet and make you sad.

@ThiamMeka2Gogue Being "over something" sounds like to accept, to feel better about, to move on from, or come to terms with something, someone or some relationship that has failed or turned out badly.

Q2. Can we get over things too quickly? Explain.

@MarkC_Avgi When we get over things quickly, we are often dismissive of what that something should mean to us, or what we should have learned from it. Things happen which we can learn from, if we do not quickly dismiss such things.

@BRAVOMedia1 Self-preservation is always important – so if "we" get over things too quickly, perhaps we're negating ourselves OR we just keep moving forward!

Q3. Can we get over things too slowly? Explain.

@greatergoodgeek I have heard that – especially when working through grief. There is no "right" speed.

@Dwyka_Consult It is possible to prolong your own pain if you get stuck in a certain type of thinking. Acknowledge your pain but keep moving forward.

Q4. Why do we want others to be "over" something?

@SoniaH_MT We want others to be "over" something because it makes US feel better.

@MarkC_Avgi Far too often people tell others, "Get over it!" That is usually for the benefit of the person saying such things rather than the other person. In the same respect, sometimes telling someone they must put something behind them is for their benefit.

@MikeB_MT I guess I rarely feel this way. Pain, grief, evolving, adjusting, are personal journeys. I try to listen with empathy and encouragement.

Q5. How do you feel when someone says you should be over something?

@Midgie_MT I feel that my feelings are being invalidated, that the person is judging me against their speed of processing things, and that they think that something is wrong with me because I'm still processing.

@_GT_Coaching Grateful that they have offered their opinion because it may lead to change.

@SarahH_MT It's frustrating as it shows a lack of empathy. But more than that it can feel invalidating and cause you to question your own feelings, resilience, and judgment.

Q6. In your experience, why is it important to process events at your own pace?

@DrKashmirM As in nature, too, everything has a time period. As they say in a quote, "Flowers grow and bloom in quiet rains and not speedy hailstorms." Same applies for human beings, too.

@ZalaB_MT It's YOUR life, YOUR journey, YOUR feelings, YOUR process. Nobody who's not walked in your shoes or experienced your trauma, loss, grief and challenges can tell you how long it should take.

Q7. What tools or tips have you found useful to process major events?

@BRAVOMedia1 How to get beyond "IT" (from personal experience) – Forgive Yourself. Be gentle on yourself and others. Relinquish expectations. Set no time limits. Steady-Steady-Steady. GO TO WHAT BRINGS YOU JOY.

@TheToniaKallon Whatever helps you get centered. Journaling, unplugging, taking a walk, fresh air/sunlight are a few ways to decompress. Thinking about what you've experienced and allowing yourself time and space.

Q8. When is it helpful/unhelpful to disclose you're not yet over something?

@eriphar When you need help; need to set boundaries; need to warn others that you may still hurt them (emotionally)... It's unhelpful if there is no empathy from others.

@Yolande_MT It's helpful to disclose if it will make a meaningful difference in how you interact with people, or if you need them to "hold space" for you while you're dealing with heavy stuff. It's not helpful to disclose if you do so with a specific expectation, because expectations often lead to more disappointments.

Q9. How could you better understand why someone is not yet over something?

@ColfaxInsurance (Alyx) If they're willing, ask them to tell the story. The whole story. The way they tell it (their tone, wording, expressions, etc) can lead to some very important details as to why it's still bothering them.

@ThiamMeka2Gogue "What's the best way I could support you?" is a great question to ask. Even being honest about the fact that you don't fully understand the condition, but you'll be there to offer support, is a great place to start and make room for more conversation and understanding.

Q10. How can we support people who are having difficulty coping with life events?

@_GT_Coaching It depends on the relationship because they may not want support, but assuming they do, understanding where they are and showing them other possibilities without expectation can be useful.

@eriphar We can start with the question, "What do you need me to do?" and respect their answer at the time. Let them know where you will be and BE THERE if they reach out.

To read all the tweets, have a look at the Wakelet collection of this chat.

Coming Up in Our Next #MTtalk on February 3

Traumatic and painful situations rarely come across our path without bringing uncertainty along. The effects of long-term uncertainty should not be underestimated because it can impact your physical and mental wellbeing. In our Twitter poll this week, we'd like to know how you tend to react when you're faced with a major life event that causes lots of uncertainty.

Useful Resources for Getting Over Something

Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.

Conflict Resolution

Supporting a Friend or Co-Worker Suffering From Stress

What Is a Duty of Care?

Lifeshocks: And How to Love Them

The Johari Window

How to Be Tactful

Asking for Help

Standing Up for Your People

Solution-Focused Coaching

Meditation for Stress Management

Bell and Hart's Eight Causes of Conflict

The post Surely You're Over That? – #MTtalk Roundup appeared first on Mind Tools.

Maybe that's why business writers reach so readily for sporting metaphors. Sport and business seem to have much in common. They both value competition, leadership, strategy, and tactics. Articles about the motivational skills and tactical know-how of elite coaches are everywhere. And they're often in highbrow business publications.

But not everyone agrees that sport and business make such a great match. In his 2017 Harvard Business Review article, Bill Taylor took aim at some of these assumptions, and pointed out a couple of major league differences:

1: There Can Only Be One Winner in Sports

Sports are usually zero-sum. There are winners and losers. Even in sports that allow for ties, like soccer, there's only one champion in the end.

Taylor points out that business isn't like that, and certainly shouldn't be. In any industry, there are opportunities for a wide range of different organizations. And the ones that succeed will be the ones that focus first on their customers, not their competitors.

2: Sports... No I in Team?

What about the talent? Taylor characterizes the elite sports locker room as "a collection of mercenaries ruled by a tyrant." It's a harsh verdict, but self-interest is inevitable. The average NFL career is less than three years. Players have to look after number one, even in a collaborative setting.

Add to this the fact that in team sports, most customers – the fans – actively dislike their team's CEO and management most of the time.

Sounds like a pretty toxic mix for any business, even one that commands unusual levels of customer loyalty.

A Coach's View

But does it have to be this way? After all, Taylor is talking about elite sports, played and run by millionaires. What about the grass roots?

We asked Simon Hulcoop about that. Simon is Mind Tools' Head of Sales for Europe, the Middle East and Africa. He's a busy man, but, in his spare time, he coaches Southwater Royals, an under-14 girls' soccer team, and a "Wildcats" group aged five to 11.

So you coach a young women's football team. What's that like?

"Seeing them grow, develop and have fun playing football with their friends is something I really enjoy. One of the best parts of the role is seeing them come together as a team and support each other.

"It's also great to see them put into practice the things we've worked on and talked about during training. I'm lucky enough to have a fantastic bunch of girls that listen and give 100 percent in every game, which is fantastic to see!"

What skills do you need to be a successful sports coach?

"Good leadership skills, the ability to stay calm, and patience. You need to adapt to the different ways your players listen and learn, communicate clearly and, most importantly for me, always be passionate and positive!

"Being someone the team looks up to and respects is important too. You're the key person, communicating instructions and sometimes making difficult decisions. So you need to be someone they trust."

Has your role as football coach taught you anything that has been useful in your career?

"Never give up and keep working hard. On several occasions the girls have been losing and come back to win the game. So we might have tried different formations or instructions from the sidelines.

"It's the same in the workplace. I've hit stumbling blocks with deals or not been able to get through to the right people. But being patient and working hard always pays off."

Do you use the same coaching style to guide both of your teams, or different approaches?

"There are a lot of similarities. One of the biggest things is to be adaptable. Whether they're an adult or 13-year-old girl, everyone learns in different ways. So you need to adapt your approach.

"Also, listening and providing feedback are key skills in both. I don't always give them the answer. I guide them through the problem or challenge, whether that's a tactical soccer problem, or responding to objections about a product after a sales call."

What's more rewarding – your football team winning a big game, or your sales team winning a big client?

"I'm competitive, so both of those are up there for me. Actually for some of the same reasons.

"The joy on the players' faces when they've won a big game, and the grin of a salesperson when they close a deal – for me both are rewarding. But I might shout a little louder when the team wins a match!"

Bill Taylor's article claims business has little to learn from sports about competition and success, from talent and teamwork, value and values. What's your take on that?

"I believe that sports – especially soccer – teach us a lot that we can take into other areas of life. Being able to fail, and learn from setbacks, is one of the biggest for me. My team has learned so much from losing tight games against good teams. They've gone on to be stronger. If it's too easy, you learn nothing.

"Teamwork is another big one. Sport really encourages collaboration, another important skill to have and use throughout your life.

"Finally, one of the biggest things I've seen sport do is build self-confidence. Many girls come to the club nervous and lacking belief. But, through coaching and positive feedback, they end up loving the game, and booming with confidence. You need to be confident in different ways and at different times throughout your life, so this is a big positive."

Sports: More Than Just Games People Play

So there you have it. Elite sport and grassroots sport inhabit different worlds. One's cutthroat and zero-sum; the other's full of positives for learning, resilience, collaboration, and self-confidence.

Well, maybe. How about this: "We really analyze our opponents and talk about what their patterns, strengths and weaknesses are, if they have any. Then we say, 'What are our strengths? What do we need to do to harm them?'"

Analysis, collaboration, communication, self-confidence. That's Sarina Wiegman, coach of the England Women's Soccer Team. In July, they became the European Champions. It's an achievement that still eludes their male counterparts.

So perhaps elite sport doesn't have to be the way Bill Taylor describes it – particularly if it's played by women. Maybe it does still have some value for business leaders.

For a further angle on this, check out "Winning Together" by Helen and Kate Richardson-Walsh. It's a book with plenty to say about team building, collaboration, confidence – and winning.

And if you're keen to find out more about effective coaching, read our other blog, "What Makes a Great Coach? – 5 Essential Qualities."

What lessons, if any, can business learn from sports? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

The post Sports Coaching Business Lessons appeared first on Mind Tools.

In fact, she's been the treasurer for this, and the secretary for that, across a whole bunch of initiatives and organizations, throughout her adult life.

Here's a couple things about Sam. One, she's calm. Always. In a friendship now in its fourth decade, I have literally never heard her raise her voice in anger. This despite many provocations (often by me). She negotiates and persuades like a pro, but she never, ever, loses it.

What Listening Means

The other is that she listens. Really listens. We shoot the breeze like any other old friends do. But when the conversation turns serious – as it easily can between two people who trust each other – she changes.

Suddenly, I have the whole of her attention. She maintains eye contact, waits until I've finished what I'm saying, then summarizes what I've just said. And then she helps me find a way to sort my life out.

Learning to Listen

Truth be told, she unnerves me, even after all these years. Because as talents go, her ability to listen actively, almost forensically, is much rarer than it really ought to be. And I don't encounter it enough.

I thought of Sam when reading "How to Listen: Tools for Opening up Conversations When It Matters Most," by Katie Columbus and The Samaritans. The Samaritans are a U.K. charity specializing in providing emotional support to people contemplating suicide. If any organization knows the importance of effective listening, it's them.

And the good news from the book is that you don't have to be a naturally good listener, like Sam. We can all learn how to listen – and understand – better.

Knowing When to SHUSH

So what's the trick? Well, there isn't one. Not an easy one, anyway. In fact, important conversations often founder because the person who should be listening is too eager to intervene and "fix things."

Instead the book lays out five key principles involved in listening well: Show you care, Have patience, Use open questions, Say it back, and Have courage. The acronym drawn from these principles – SHUSH – may seem a little forced. But it does no harm to remember that being quiet often does more to open up a difficult conversation than anything else.

Why Listening Matters

For sure, not everyone will find themselves having a conversation with life-or-death consequences, as the Samaritans do. But even in less-testing situations, a book like this can be a big help.

Years ago, I was let go by a multinational corporation. The manager who delivered the news did so while checking his phone. As I haltingly began to ask the first of my many questions, his attention wandered to the traffic outside the office.

Not everyone finds emotional intelligence easy or natural. But at that moment, all I wanted was to be listened to, for five minutes. It wouldn't have changed a thing. I'd still have been out of a job. But I might at least have left the place thinking that I'd been valued.

And that's why this book is worth reading. It shows you what to do to build trust, to make a difference, and show you care. And in a world in which human connection suddenly seems much more important, those skills are vital.

Download Our "How to Listen" Book Insight

Mind Tools reviews the best new business and self-development books, alongside the tested classics, in its monthly Book Insight for the Mind Tools Club. So, if you're a Club member or enterprise licensee, you can download or stream the full "How to Listen" Book Insight in text or audio format.

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to all 2,400+ resources, including approximately 400 Book Insights. For a corporate solution, take a look at our Mind Tools for Business site.

How do you "actively" listen? What are good examples of it? How did being listened to – or not – make a difference in your life? Join the discussion below and let us know!

The post Why Listening Should Be Top of Our Lists appeared first on Mind Tools.

I've picked out three quotes for this piece that I consider to be representative of society's thought leaders. These luminaries, too, are focused upon questions, not answers:

"Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers," from philosopher Voltaire; "We thought that we had the answers, it was the questions we had wrong," from U2's Bono; and, "If I had an hour to solve a problem, I would spend the first 55 minutes determining the proper question to ask," from scientist Albert Einstein.

The professor stresses the research question, not the research answer. On Amazon, business books with question in the title outnumber books with answer in the title three to one. The imbalance is real. We are all focused upon questions, not answers.

My new book, "Answer Intelligence: Raise Your AQ," is a direct response to the lack of awareness and critical examination that has been paid to answers.

By studying expert communicators, I identified six answer types (story, metaphor, theory, concept, procedure, action) that can be provided to important questions.

The most important thing I learned in researching my book is that answers are more important than questions, both in business and in life.

I will be the first to admit that I value both questions and answers. Choosing between them is like choosing between your children. But, if I'm pressed to choose a side, I would argue that answers are the first among equals.

Here are three reasons why answers are more important than questions:

1. Answers come before questions.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Those in the know will point out that the egg came before the chicken. Two birds that were not chickens mated and created the first "chicken egg." Hence, the egg came first.

Which comes first, a question or answer? Counterintuitively, I would argue that an answer always precedes a question. Before the explorers set sail for the New World, they questioned the prevailing answer at the time – that the world was flat.

In my book, the point that answers occur before questions is illustrated in the sales context. During cold calls, the goal of the sales rep is to get a first appointment with a prospect on the phone.

An analysis of 500,000+ cold calls from Gong revealed that the most effective way to win an appointment during a cold call was for the sales rep to provide a story or metaphor (or another answer, in AQ terms). That response tended to stimulate a question in the prospect. It's this question that becomes the reason they agree to the next sales call.

2. Answers are for influence.

As a consultant, I was hired because I could provide answers. Specifically, I would work with clients that had the questions figured out. For example, one client had employee-turnover problems, and they would ask me, "Why is turnover occurring?"

I was hired as a social scientist because of my knowledge of turnover theory. In other words, I was hired for my answers, not my questions.

More generally, answers are for influence. Story and metaphor provide emotional impact. Theory and concept explain and predict. Procedure and action achieve results.

3. Answers are more difficult than questions.

It's easy to come up with important why, what, and how questions for any topic. For a job interview, say, these questions could be: "What is your number one soft skill?", "Why should I hire you?", "How well do you work with others?"

Or, in a sales meeting: "What is your product?", "Why should I buy from you?", "How does your product work?" The difficult part is answering these questions.

In an interview context, each job candidate should be able to provide all six AQ answers for their number one soft skill. However, in working with college students entering the job market, I've found that 40 percent cannot identify a metaphor for their top soft skill.

If leadership is your number one soft skill, you should be able to define it. For example, leadership as a concept can be defined as holding people accountable and inspiring them to be their better selves. And, as a metaphor, leadership is a braided rope. Two ropes are strong separately, but made stronger when they're braided together. Accordingly, leaders who simultaneously hold people accountable and inspire them are more effective.

Question Yourself

When I prepare for a sales call, a client workshop, my next podcast, or any important conversation, I still anticipate the questions that are going to be asked, and try to ask thoughtful questions myself.

But, after my research, I now pay much more attention to the answers that are exchanged in a conversation.

First, I realize that every question starts as an imperfect answer that stimulates curiosity in the world. By reflecting upon answers, I gain an appreciation for the reasons why others ask questions. And when I reflect upon answers, I ask better questions myself.

Second, I focus upon answers because I want to meet the curiosity of questions with the equal force of answers – to influence and inspire meaningful change in others.

Finally, I focus upon answers because they are the more difficult aspect of the communication equation.

I will leave you with one final thought. The title of my book, and the accompanying website, reflects that answers, not questions, are underappreciated and a deserving focus of critical examination.

My hope is that my book will bring back into balance the yin and yang of communication. In that spirit, AQ has a hidden, secondary meaning. It also stands for "Answers + Questions."

Answers first, because they're an exciting new focus. And I want to encourage you to think about answers first, in a question-first world.

Buy the Book, Download the Review

Want to hear more about Dr Glibkowski's Answer Intelligence framework? Buy his ebook from the Mind Tools store now!

Mind Tools reviews the best new business books and the tested classics in its monthly Book Insight for the Mind Tools Club. So, if you’re a Club member or enterprise licensee, you can download or stream the "Answer Intelligence" Book Insight in text or audio format.

If you haven’t already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to all 2,400+ resources, including approximately 400 Book Insights. For a corporate solution, take a look at our Mind Tools for Business site.

Your Answers, Please

Is the world too focused on questions? Do we pay enough attention to the answers we hear and give? How do you try to give good answers? Join the discussion, below.

The post Three Reasons Answers Are More Important Than Questions appeared first on Mind Tools.

It dawns on you that she hasn’t been listening at all. In fact, as things stand, the opposite of what you would like may be just about to happen.

I experienced this sort of communication breakdown a few years ago. And it was not particularly pleasant.

Having shown interest in a challenging new offshoot of my job, I was asked by my boss to attend a week's training course to learn more. I was flattered to have been singled out. Plus, this could do my career no harm at all, could it?

So off I went to pick up what knowledge and operational skills I could over the five-day course. I enjoyed the experience and gained a reasonable knowledge of the software needed for the job .

The trouble was that, from the moment I had said yes to going on the course, I had harbored reservations about the feasibility – not to mention the desirability – of adding this task to my already full agenda.

Hours of Practice

It turns out I was right to be cautious because these doubts were confirmed by my experience in the classroom. What I was learning – video-editing – was very technical and required not just a few whiteboard sessions, but hours of practice to master.

While learning the theory was great, it was not something that could be added easily to my skillset and done successfully from day one. Even the team leader in the video department had warned, "Look, this isn't something that you can just pick up by going on a week-long course."

In a nutshell, doing the video editing alongside my main job was a non-starter – as I found when I was asked to complete a live task as well as my usual work. The sheer amount of time that I had to spend applying my new skill meant that my regular work went "on the backburner."

There were simply not enough available hours to get both jobs done. Stressed out, I tried talking to my boss. I said that I didn't feel I could add the role to my workload in this way, and apologized.

Good at Listening

But what my manager seemed to hear was, "Can I have extra tuition so I can do this new job quicker, and fit it into my schedule."  Because her response was that she would try to get me more training from the video department. To me, she had not heard what I was saying at all: that I was too busy already. Far from it.

A boss who was good at listening may have said, "So what you are saying here, Ian, is that you can't do this extra task in the way we are proposing. We need to abandon this project immediately."

Several uncomfortable meetings later I was eventually heard. But it was a pretty painful process. As a result, video-editing was no longer seen by the company as a task that could just be tagged on to an existing, busy role.

One part of me claims this as a victory. How I got my boss to listen. Another part of me says,"Don't bite off more than you can chew…"

And if I faced a similar situation today I may politely suggest we both try this Mind Tools quiz on listening before proceeding any further!

Have you ever felt as though your boss/colleague wasn't listening, or have you taken on an unmanageable task? Let us know in the box, below.

The post My Boss Heard, But Was She Listening? appeared first on Mind Tools.

When I was younger, two of my character traits worked together to make me a very difficult person to work with at times. Those traits were perfectionism and impatience.

In my head and in my world, everything had to happen fast and flawlessly. And it wasn't just fast – it was fast according to my definition, meaning "immediately." Growing up, sayings like, "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing excellently," and, "Do it right the first time, every time," permeated my world.

As a young employee, I was an asset to a number of managers: my standards were high and I pushed myself to learn as much as possible in as little time as possible.

Things became a little messy when I was first promoted to a managerial position. I took the responsibility of my department's success very seriously and no-one's sloppy work was ever going to derail me. Everything that I didn't think was of a very high standard, deserved... yes, you guessed it: harsh criticism. I would point out everything that was wrong with a project, space or person in a jiffy, and without sparing anybody's feelings. After all, I was just talking the truth, wasn't I?

Even worse, I didn't offer someone a conversation where we talked about an issue, discussed ways to make it better, and left in good spirits. I simply told people what they'd done wrong and how much I disapproved, and then expected them to find their own answers. I was able to find mine, so why couldn't they find theirs?

I'm ashamed to admit that the number of people I had in tears during my tenure as a young manager are too many to count on two hands.

I then had the good fortune of one of my bosses spotting my potential and realizing that I needed guidance. He became one of my most appreciated mentors ever. He taught me how to give feedback, rather than criticize. He coached me the way he wanted me to coach others.

Whenever he had a feedback conversation with me, I left knowing what I had to work on. I also always left with hope, feeling supported, and knowing that, although he wanted me to grow and develop, he still accepted me. It's a gift I've been trying to pay forward ever since.

Is It Criticism or Feedback?

Last week's #MTtalk Twitter chat was titled, "Is It Criticism or Feedback?" Here are the questions we asked and some of the responses from our participants.

Question 1:  Is criticism the same thing as feedback? Why?

The responses were clear cut: criticism and feedback aren't the same.

@WonderPix I think a lot depends on the intention – is it meant to help or hurt?

@ankitapoddar Criticism focuses on misses. Feedback focuses both on strengths as well as growth areas. They can never be the same.

@JulieMRodriguez Criticism has no intention to help, only to sting; feedback is from the heart and has intention to support & assist.

Question 2: Why do you think people criticize others?

It's often a self-esteem issue, "The less I like myself the more I criticize other people."

@SayItForwardNow I believe criticism comes from a place of fear and feelings of inferiority.

@70mq They feel threatened by your competence.

Question 3: What preconceptions can affect how you hear feedback, and how can you avoid confusing feedback with criticism?

@amypen64 Hard one for me. Being brought up in a negative household, I fear feedback and take it as criticism.

@harrisonia One's state of mind before the interaction (criticism) occurs can heavily influence how the information is received.

@SaraRankin5 That there's only one right way.

Question 4: How can you prepare yourself to receive feedback/criticism well?

@SistadaHealer Listen with an open mind & closed mouth; don't take it personal – everything is a learning opportunity.

@SnowinRI By thoroughly listening to, without interruption, before even uttering your rebuttal. Two ears, one mouth: there's a reason for that you know.

Question 5: How would you deal with unfair, undeserved criticism?

@TalentExch_Biz If things turn sour, ask to reconvene when everyone is calm and you can collect thoughts, documentation. Don't tolerate abuse.

@PG_pmp It is difficult to stop others, the best approach is to review yourself. If things are good, then keep cool.

@NWarind Will try to find the justification if there's any.

Thanks @TwisterKW for sharing so candidly what many of us have probably done in secret: "I'd like to think I could ask questions. Seek to understand? [But] Maybe dismiss them? Maybe cry? And then get mad at myself for that?"

Question 6: In the workplace, is it ever right to criticize someone in public? Why?

@EdNavigation Only if it's a safety or danger issue. Otherwise, no. Enemies emerge quickly when respect is lacking.

@maat333 When it's with respect and constructive, and there's a benefit for the group (even as a lesson), sometimes it's necessary.

Question 7: What goes wrong if no one gives feedback?

All the participants felt that feedback is necessary for sustained growth.

@FloraBarton Things may stay the same – or areas for development may never be realised! The status quo may never be challenged.

@BrainBlenderTec Things stagnate.

Question 8: Have you ever avoided giving someone feedback? Why was that?

@E_Toohig When I perceive they are not open and ready for my honesty.

@MduduziTNtuli I always give feedback because it's important to give feedback for a person to excel.

Question 9: How does feedback/criticism differ one-on-one compared with online or written?

@MicheleDD_MT Recommend that constructive feedback not be online/written. Can be misinterpreted. Cannot clarify intention or get specifics.

@Midgie_MT For me the difference is when said in person, you hear it, digest it and it’s done. Also can get immediate clarification.

Question 10: When giving feedback, how can you make sure it doesn't sound like criticism?

@Yolande_MT Begin and end the feedback conversation on a positive note. Remember that it's not a blame-and-shame session.

Finally, we share this advice from @Jikster2009: "I like the concept of the emotional piggy bank, earning the right to give considerations by building up credits of praise."

Next time, on #MTtalk...

Giving feedback is a key part of coaching. How successful is your manager in coaching you? Please cast your vote in our Twitter poll here.

In our next #MTtalk, on Friday, March 3, we'll discuss "Coaching Skills for Managers," a topic suggested by one of our regular participants, @PramodDrSolanki. We'll look at different ways of coaching and discuss the impact of coaching on performance. Please join us at 1pm EST / 6pm GMT.

To participate in our chat about coaching skills for managers, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function. Then, click on “All Tweets” and you’ll be able to follow the live chat feed. To join the conversation, simply include #MTtalk in your tweet and it will show up in the chat feed.

Resources

In the meantime, here are some resources about criticism and feedback:

How to Handle Criticism

Dealing with Unfair Criticism

Standing up for Your People

Getting Feedback

How to Give Feedback

Perfectionism

Managing Perfectionists

How to Manage Defensive People

Managing Volatile People

Cognitive Restructuring

Dweck's Mindsets

The post #MTtalk: Is It Criticism or Feedback? appeared first on Mind Tools.

Please join us!

What: #MTtalk

Where: Twitter

When: Friday, Feb 17 @ 1pm EST (6pm GMT)

Topic: Is It Criticism or Feedback?

Host: @Mind_Tools

About this week’s chat

"Long after your words are forgotten, people still remember how you made them feel." – Maya Angelou

The other morning my husband and I overslept and woke up with a fright. I was lecturing and he was out of town for the day, so neither one of us could afford to arrive at our destinations late. We hurried out the house and left it in a bit of a mess – something I hate doing.

I was first to arrive home. When I opened the front door I was confronted with the untidiness. As I walked down the passage to my study and then to my bedroom, I couldn't help noticing everything that was out of place. Before long, I was thoroughly irritated with my less-than-perfect house, and with my still absent husband, too. I'd started seeing everything that he was normally responsible for that he hadn't taken care of.

In my head, I started talking to him in a very critical voice, telling him about everything he hadn't done that he should have done. The longer the "conversation" continued, the more wrongs I identified. At the same time I was telling myself that it wasn't about us being late that morning, but that he simply didn't care about the state of the house. I was now in full-blown Critical Angry Wife mode and ready to spew a stream of criticism when he got home.

I love cooking and, as I prepared dinner, I gradually calmed down. Loving Kind Wife appeared in my head and started reasoning with Critical Angry Wife.  Have I not learned from past experience that spewing criticism only makes us argue? Yes, I have. And don't I know that simply giving him feedback nicely about the effect of a bigger workload on me makes him jump to action? Yes, I do. So why would I want to go about it in a way that will only make him defensive and uncooperative? I don't know. Perhaps it would satisfy me just for a moment... but then the damage would be done.

Fortunately I came to my senses before he arrived home. Suffice to say, feedback was given and action was taken. And to think I almost ruined a perfectly good evening with my tongue!

Do You Hear Feedback or Criticism at Work?

In our recent Twitter poll we asked people if they received feedback or criticism when learning a new skill at work. While 42 percent of people said they received feedback, 39 percent felt that what they received was disguised criticism.

In our #MTtalk Twitter chat this week we're asking, "Is It Criticism or Feedback?" We'd like to hear how you differentiate between the two and what your thoughts are on giving and receiving feedback. The following questions may spark some thoughts in preparation for the chat:

• Is criticism the same thing as feedback. Why?
• How does criticism make you feel?
• How does feedback make you feel?
• How can you ensure that you don't confuse the feedback you receive, with criticism?
• When giving feedback, how can you make sure it doesn't sound like criticism?
• What can you do to make receiving criticism from others more bearable?
• Why do you think people criticize others?
• How can you make the shift from criticizing to giving feedback?

Resources

To help you prepare for the chat, we've compiled a list of resources for you to browse.

Dealing with Unfair Criticism

Criticism Can Empower

Standing up for Your People

Managing Perfectionists

How to Give Feedback

Understanding Communication Skills

Cognitive Restructuring

Dweck's Mindsets

At Mind Tools, we like hearing from people all over the globe. So we invite you to share your thoughts and experiences around feedback and criticism in the #MTtalk chat this Friday at 1pm EST (6pm GMT). Remember, we feature great participant responses right here on our blog every week!

How to join

Follow us on Twitter to make sure you don’t miss out on any of the action this Friday! We’ll be tweeting out questions during our hour-long chat. To participate in the chat, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function. Then, click on “All Tweets” and you’ll be able to follow the live chat feed. You can join the chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses.

The post Is Feedback Just Thinly Disguised Criticism? appeared first on Mind Tools.

You might be offering advice, or giving instructions on how to complete a task, but the other person has made up their mind already, or thinks that their way is the best way and won't entertain any other points of view. When that happens, you can either throw your hands up in the air and walk away, or be patient and make the effort to ensure that they do eventually take your message on board.

There are occasions when you can almost forgive your listener's deliberate obtuseness or "selective" hearing. I can't imagine there's a parent out there who hasn't uttered the words, "Are you sure you want to do that? Have you tried doing it this way... ?" as they watch their child ignore the blindingly obvious negative consequences of an ill-considered undertaking.

The Danger of Not Listening!

I remember being 16 and confidently dismissing my father's opinion that there were less perilous ways of cleaning the chain of my motorbike than by holding an oiled rag around it with one hand while releasing the clutch with the other. There was a surprisingly small time lag between my hand getting dragged towards the teeth of the sprocket, and the realization that the old man had a point!

In the workplace, though, the reasons that people don't, or won't, listen cannot be explained away by the misplaced confidence of youth. Instead, it can be attributed to such things as arrogance, pride, defensiveness, or an unwillingness to admit to mistakes.

We asked Mind Tools' readers and followers to let us know how they deal with people who don't listen. And their replies revealed what an understanding, patient lot they are! We thank everyone who contributed their ideas, and here's a selection of their top tips:

Listen to Understand

Kantharaj Kanth set the tone for many of the responses when he said, "You need to ask open questions, or ask their point of view, so they will be more attentive to stay tune in the present."

Taking responsibility for the situation and trying to understand the other person's lack of engagement was also a popular standpoint. One reader suggested, "Seek first to understand, then be understood." It was a view echoed by X (formerly known as Twitter) user Richard Newton, who wrote, "1.Get to know the person & understand why 2. Explain in different way 3. Understand/explain from their perspective."

Mind Tools reader Soma Jurgensen advised, "Listen to them first. Author Stephen R. Covey [of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People fame] says 'Seek first to understand'."

In a similar vein, we heard:

• "Stop telling them things, and start asking questions. Listen to them."
• "Reconsider you own communication. Actively listen to them (for a change?)."
• "Understand emotional needs and make them listen with appropriate explanations. Though it looks easy, it's practically tough."
• "Value where they are at. Connect & never force trust - it unfolds through creating meaningful relationships."

Allow for Silence, Hold the Space

Several people suggested trying a different channel of communication, as people have different preferred ways of learning or understanding. Ivan Garcerant said, "Two tips: communicate in writing form, and [involve others] to bring a bit of objectivity." And Rufus May offered, "A) do something unexpected. B) write to them. C) ask for a meeting with friends present, and D) listen deeply without interrupting them." Penny Gundry said, "Allow for silence, hold the 'space', be an actor, not reactor."

I hope you find one another's tips informative and enlightening. Perhaps the last word should go to Dr Ekaterina Netchitailova, although I'm not sure how seriously to take her suggestion that, "You get drunk with them! Good wine is usually a deal-maker!"

About the Author:

Keith is a managing editor at Mind Tools and has been part of the content team since 2015. He's an experienced editor, writer and manager, with a long history of working in the e-learning and media industries.

The post Dealing With People Who Don’t Listen! appeared first on Mind Tools.

I'd like to think of myself as a good listener and, in many situations, I prefer to listen rather than talk. But I've never really stopped to think why listening is so important.

I suppose one advantage is that it gives you time to process what you're hearing, and formulate considered responses. It also stops you jumping to conclusions.

In a previous job, I had to confront a colleague about something I'd been told about her. But rather than going in, all guns blazing, I simply asked her for her side of the story and listened. It turned out the situation was much more complicated than I'd been led to believe. I was therefore so relieved I'd taken the time to hear her side of the story first. If I had accused her outright, I would have made the situation 10 times worse.

Another benefit is you get to learn more about other people. Whenever I meet anyone, I always make a point of asking lots of questions and listening to what he or she has to say. I'm quite nosy and love finding out what makes people tick. As most people love talking about themselves, it's a win-win situation!

But, of course, speaking is important too – if you can't communicate what you're trying to say effectively, or ask the right questions, the likelihood is you won't get very far in your career. But I think if we all spent a bit more time listening and less time talking, we'd learn more about one another, and there'd be a lot fewer misunderstandings.

We recently asked which skill you think is most important at work: speaking or listening – and we received some fantastic comments on social media, so thanks to everyone who contributed!

Most of you, like @Jorge5008 on Twitter, are in favor of listening over speaking. Like my happiness poster, @VijayJetty said we should all "speak less and listen more." Retu Hazari on Facebook rightly commented that "listening improves knowledge," and Cosme Fu Lanito posted: "Listening is more important for those who have nothing worth saying."

Several people pointed out that we have "two ears and one mouth" and that this is a good reason why we should spend more time listening (@Blessings2050, @PrivateBNJ, @ThinkPipeNat). Jason Fisher added: "I like to use this ratio [2:1] when listening and speaking." And Vaibhav Gupta posted: "Listening is more effective compared with speaking because in the corporate world, everyone is given a chance to share his or her thoughts. This can only be valuable if people are given an empathetic ear!"

A number of you said what's important is the order you do them, with many – like Yean-nee Shortland – favoring the "listen first, talk second" approach. Jerry Richardson also observed that "if you don't listen, you will not know what to say," which is true. Although Punyashree Venkatram agreed that speaking should come after listening, the poster also said: "Our opinion matters. Listening after speaking is also important. Other people's opinions also matter."

But while we had a lot of support for listening, David Billa spoke out for speaking, and others stressed the importance of practicing both. ‏@DandersK said: "Both are equal. To fully understand, you have to listen properly to a clear orator." And ‏@ThiruHR made the excellent point that "in listening we learn, and in speaking we transform."

Thanks for all your comments - we really appreciate your feedback. And if anyone else would like to share their thoughts, please do so below!

The post What's More Important: Speaking or Listening? appeared first on Mind Tools.